2nd Trimester

Wow, its been almost 3 weeks since I last blogged. I think in a way, I didn't want to. I was kind of afraid of jinxing myself or something weird. I've been having this jinx feeling ever since I became pregnant. "If I tell them, will something bad happen?".. "If I buy maternity clothes will something bad happen?"

Then, I bring myself back to reality. I realize that anything can happen at anytime, and that I have no control. God is in control, not me. He has given me the gift to carry 3 children, and I hope His next gift is the gift of life.

Back to the reason for this blog entry! I made it to the 2nd trimester! Hallelujah! Tomorrow will be the farthest along I have ever been! I lost baby Jakob at exactly 13 weeks... BUT, I was bleeding from 10w5d on. This pregnancy has been clockwork and has brought NO problems upon us. Nothing any Dr. is worried about. No raised eyebrows. No nothing!

When I decided that we would try again in December (we were going to wait until Jan or Feb) I prayed to God and asked him to not let me become pregnant, if the pregnancy wouldn't last. Now, so far we are on track! It appears He has answered this prayer, and I couldn't be more blessed and thankful to Him. I told him also, that this child would be His. We will raise this child in His eye. Through His name.

Thank you God for giving me this gift of life!!

In 1 week.

In exactly 1 week from today, a year ago, I miscarried my first child. In exactly 1 week, this year, is Jakob's due date. I am already dreading it and becoming so emotional and afraid of what that day will bring, that I don't know how I will walk through that day. If Matt is still in the hospital, it will be double worse. He is my strength and rock.
I am SO grateful to God for giving me a 3rd chance, and so far so good. But, I still grieve. I still wish those babies had survived, those pregnancies been viable.
I wake up everyday afraid of what could happen. When it's been gone through twice, it feels like naturally, it has to happen again. I told Matt the other day that if this pregnancy ends early, he will probably need to admit me to a psych ward. I PRAY that God has mercy on me and this baby, but if its not in his plans, I have no control. But, it does mean that I will be a mess. How can I even think this way? I have no other option... I had lived it twice, its my life.

He's keeping me busy!

I know God has been here this pregnancy, and in full effect. One of the ways I know, is because he has kept me busy! Not physically, but mentally! He knew I would be a wreck during the 1st trimester... So, he allowed me to become sick for 2-3 weeks! I was so sick, I couldn't even think about being pregnant, even if I wanted to! Now, this week is a downer week (I started bleeding with Jakob at 10 weeks). Up until the 24th, and he picked this week for Matt to be admitted to the hospital. Again, I won't be able to think about being pregnant (as much), because I will be visiting, thinking and worrying about Matt.
It's true what they say... He works in mysterious ways! SO true!!

Baby Hudak

3rd times the charm, right? I am pregnant again! For the 3rd time in one year. Oh what a roller coaster this has been. When we got the green light back in early December, we first decided to wait to try again until at least January/February. I didn't want to risk having the same due date as the first bean. But then, we thought "why not".. If it's meant to be it will happen. Plus, in my deranged mind I just figured well if we get pregnant right away, and something (God forbid) happens, then I would prefer to get it over with sooner, rather than later! So, I started using the BBT method (but didnt really need to because with the new medicine my ovulation is pretty painful) and well, we conceived on Christmas Eve or Christmas Day! Our baby's estimated due date is Sept. 15th, 2011. Our first bean was due Sept. 4th and I miscarried that bean on Feb 24th, and then Jakob's due date was Feb. 24th and then I lost him on Aug 17th. Now, we are due again in September, but about 11 days after the first due date. It wouldn't have mattered to me if it was the same as Bean #1 due date.
Surprisingly, I am VERY relaxed (baby wise) this time. With Jakob I was freaked the entire time. This time I'm not. I know I have done EVERYTHING I can to ensure this baby is born healthy and strong! That's not to say that I may lose this one too, but I think I have just come to the realization that it can happen, and I have been through it twice now. I will pray and just wait.
As far as everything else goes, I think I've got every symptom in the book! My "morning" sickness has decided to kick in in the afternoon/evenings and I am SO irritable, tired and emotional.
I would love if you would pray for us! I see the Dr on the 31st and will have our first u/s a few days after that.

Oh! And the url of this blog will now only be 1 year off! ;)

Backgrounds

Blogging truly is a GREAT way to let off steam. An easy way to vent, and not have to worry about the reactions from people. You ultimate goal is to write a blog for yourself, but, you make it public for those that want to read about your life. A Public Diary. I can't even begin to imagine just how many blogs are out there. Have you ever hit the "Next Blog" button? You could do it for days and never see the same one twice. I will do just that on occasion too, and have written and become friends with some of the authors of those great blogs.

I also like to look around for free backgrounds that people make and publish. There is a website that I LOVE going to, and I use her backgrounds all of the time: http://simplyblogitbackgrounds.blogspot.com/ - Jennifer makes them all and she does a FANTASTIC job. I recently saw on her blog that you could request a background, and so, I did. I told her about my beans, and how much I loved sock monkeys and not but 4-5 days later, there is it! Titled "Beans" and "For Emily"! How sweet! So, welcome to the new Bean background blog :) I am so excited to have a background that is actually personalized to me.

January 4th

Tomorrow is the day that I got my very FIRST positive pregnancy test ever in my life, one year ago. I will always remember the excitement, the love I felt, the fear (of actually BEING pregnant, it was happening!)...I will always remember the PILE of pregnancy tests that I took (just to make sure!) I was SO happy and so ready for my first child. Then, a few short weeks later those dreamed were dashed forever. I will always remember how sad I felt. How I fell into Matt's body while I screamed. I will always remember the cold, plastic bed I was lying on, while my dead baby's picture was in my hand. This might sound dramatic, but you try going through it, then tell me how you felt when you were told that your baby's life wasn't viable.

It feels like my life is full of sad dates. When I realize the date, I feel the pit in my stomach grow. But today I decided those will be dates of happiness, of excitement. Those dates will always be true to my heart, and very close. I can tell you the dates I conceived, the dates I took pregnancy tests, the dates I saw heartbeats, the dates I lost both pregnancies. I don't even need to look at a calendar.

Hopefully, this year will be full of really exciting dates! Let's hope!!

2011

Welcome New Year! I have been expecting you, and waiting ever so patiently for your arrival!

I've never been the type (besides maybe at the age of 21/22) to go out and "party", drink, or bar hop. I can probably count the times I have been in a bar (to actually drink) on both hands. I have no quarrels with those who do, but it's never been my thing. I can probably count one one hand how many "drinks" I've had in the last 12 months as well. I'm not anti drinking, I just don't do it. Now that I have quit smoking (and I don't use drugs), maybe I should reinvent the whole Straight Edge thing! Whoa, talk about a mental trip back to high school! ;)

Wow, that train almost derailed! Let me get back to the whole reason for this blog (if there really even IS one!) I guess what I was getting at is that the New Year/New Year's Eve Holiday has never really been a big deal for me. It didn't give me a reason to go out an drink, or anything, because I just didn't roll that way. But last night I tried... I really tried to stay up and wait it out, because it meant a lot to me to see 2010 end. Needless to say, the last time I remember seeing on my ihome, was 10:21. And then the lights went out!

That's okay though, because this morning when I woke up I kind of felt a little bit lighter, a little bit happier. I felt good. When I talk about 2010 being so sucky, I feel bad because I got married that year, and I quit smoking, and lost a lot of weight... Its not like the bad outweighs the good. Its just that of COURSE I love that I got married, but it sucks that I lost 2 pregnancies during the same year, and that just that alone, ruined the year for memories. 2010 will always be the year of a MILLION changes in my life, but it will ALWAYS also be the year I lost the 2 children I will never meet.

Waking up this morning didn't erase the fact that that happened. It didn't make it go away. But, it kind of made it feel like a clean slate was upon me. I get an entirely new year (God willing) to have some more great opportunities, and hopefully, have a child born full term, and alive.

I'm never the type to make a New Year's resolution because I know that it will never work. It's kind of why I quit smoking one month before this date. Instead, I think I would like to make a few New Year's promises/attempts. I will think long and hard of these, and write them in a journal to see often and practice doing.

I'm pretty sure some people are annoyed by me talking about this for so long, but its my life, and its what has happened to me. Trust me, I don't walk around all day talking about pregnancies, pregnancy loss, babies, etc. But, I do use this blog as an output, and for me, writing about it helps. One day, I hope that instead of these kinds of sad blogs, I will be writing about a newborn baby, and diapers, and being so tired and stressed out. I hope hope hope this will happen by this time next year!

Happy New Year everyone! Here's to a GREAT and FABULOUS 2011!