Tomorrow! Tomorrow!

Holy crap! Here I sit, on the Eve of my 20th week. Could it BE??! Life, God, Faith... It's all pretty freakin' amazing if you ask me!

I don't know if I wrote about this or not, but RIGHT after Matt and I "tried" for this pregnancy, I had a meltdown and was so terrified, and on the verge of regret. I was SO terrified I would for sure be going through what I went through with Baby Bean and Jakob. I prayed to God daily, asking him to not let me become pregnant, if it meant losing another baby. I just told him I couldn't handle it.

Well, I think he heard me, and not only is there a beautiful baby growing inside of me today, but I have made it through 20 weeks of pregnancy! Baby boy is sounding great, looking great! Next Monday I go for his anatomy scan, and I CANNOT wait!!

I had a pretty emotional Easter. I was able to contain it to just between Matt, myself and God though. I quietly cried through Church. Ever since I found out I was pregnant on the 5th of January, I found the next Holiday, and checked to see how far I would be by that date. On the calendar I found Easter, and found that 3 days after Easter I would be 20 weeks along. In my heart it looked SO HARD to get to that date. Because of the last pregnancies, I just had negative thoughts. Well, I am here sitting now. One day away from Easter! Praise You God!!!

And, at my 20 week OB appt. yesterday, I happily weighed in at the SAME weight I started at 20 weeks ago! I lost 2 lbs throughout the last 20 weeks, but have gained them back and am now back at 0! The Dr was VERY impressed. My belly is DEFINITELY growing, so I am probably just losing a little bit of weight as we go. I am NOT dieting, or restricting myself. But, being on a restricted diet, and exercising still (walking 1 mile a day), is just I guess keeping me balanced. :) No complaints here!

Today we go for a follow up for Matt. He had some tests done about a month ago and today we find out those results. He is sitting in the living room playing Angry Birds on our ipod, trying to keep his mind from worrying/wandering. Please pray for him today? Thank you!

Eating right while you're pregnant?!

We have all heard of the woman who get to "eat for two" during pregnancy and gain 50-100 lbs and not have a doctor even flinch in their direction, right? The woman who have absolutely zero risk pregnancies. The woman who smoke cigarettes, marijuana, may even drink alcohol, or worse, do major drugs... But yet they give birth to normal (in this sense) babies.

I did EVERYTHING I could before this pregnancy to ensure a healthy baby/pregnancy, and so far, it's paying off! I lost 40 lbs, I quit smoking, I changed my eating habits and I got on a new medication to help with my hormones. So far, these all have made for a very comfortable, uncomplicated pregnancy. However, this is not to say that I am super, SUPER jealous of the woman who can eat a truck load of ice cream! I will do ANYTHING for this little boy to come home healthy, but I must say sometimes I wish I could just pig out - because lets face it - all pregnant woman just want to eat! I have lost 2 lbs so far during this pregnancy (but you wouldn't guess that looking at this baby mountain protruding out the front of me!). When you have to check your blood sugar 4 times a day, and document EVERYTHING you eat, and then have a nurse check it every 2 weeks - you don't slip! I want to!!... But I don't.

After I lost Jakob, a fellow baby loss mom and I were talking and I said "I just want to make it to the "safe point" to be able to relax, in a pregnancy. She kind of laughed and said, "Once you get to 12 weeks, you will want to get to viability, and then you will worry about stillbirth". Now remember, when you have lost 2 already, you fear ALL of the worst. I thought, after that mom and I talked - I doubt it, I will be fine at 12 weeks. Wrong. I got to 12 and still worried. Is my cervix competent? Is his heart okay? Now, I am stressed over the anatomy scan, because we denied any and all testing. After that, I will be stressed until viability! Then, I am HOPING, at that point, I will be able to relax. I sure sound like a nervous "nelly"!. Sometimes I need to remind myself that I am not in control, and that He is. When I remind myself of this, I relax a lot. It is what it is. I can do this!

Unbelievably, I am nearing closer and closer to a point in pregnancy that honestly, I NEVER expected to be witnessing! I am ALMOST halfway. I am SO close I can taste it! In less than 2 weeks, I will be out of these "teen" weeks and feeling like I have graduated to a better stage!

I often daydream about this little boy... I wonder what/who he will look like. Will he have mommy's nose? Daddy's chin? Mommy's red hair? Daddy's cute butt? I am so happy and grateful to God for giving us this gift. So grateful in fact, that, it takes away all of the selfishness I have for not getting to eat junk food all day! :)

Happy weekend everyone!

He keeps us safe!

I owe the success of this pregnancy to 2 things/people. God & Metformin. Wow! I guess I am mixing God/religion and Science... That feels weird to say, but I know its absolutely true...

Tomorrow I will be 18 weeks along. Time just keeps ticking by, and I couldn't be more tickled about it!

I was referred to Sweet Success (a program for pregnant women with GD, Type I or II diabetes, or other blood sugar issues). I was a little frustrated at first because 1, I am NOT diabetic or have GD, and the dietitian I met with did not understand what I was telling her. 2, they wanted me to change up my diet to calorie counting, instead of carbohydrate counting, which I've become accustomed too in the last year. I talked with the mgr of the program yesterday and got it all straightened out. They also gave me a new meter, which ended up being a POS! It was WAY off and of course I started to freak. My old/good meter (major brand) was reading my fasting #s between 70-90 and this new meter (cheap/generic) was reading 95+.. Well, over 95 consistently calls for more meds or insulin! So it was actually a big deal. I guess I realized that in life instead of sitting and being frustrated, just calling someone and talking makes it all the much better!

We have chosen our son's name! We are SO excited! As soon as we have the anatomy scan and are for sure its a boy (the private place we went to said they were "pretty sure", and the pictures do look more boy than girl, but we want to make sure) we will announce his name! :) We are in love with it!

Not much else going on! Except I am praising God and feeling SO good!

Wow!!!

I have totally flaked on blogging during this pregnancy! Partly because my sweet husband bought me an ipod touch for my birthday (he gave it to me early), and I have yet to turn on the computer at home (can't blog on the ipod touch). I'm in LOVE with the ipod touch. I swear its an iphone, just without the phone. I have pregnancy apps, facebook, news, weather, games.. Everything on it!

This pregnancy is still (God willing) going PERFECT! It's unbelievable how FAST it goes, when there is nothing to worry about. On Monday I go in for my 16 week check with the OB and then 3 weeks later I am back to perinatal for our anatomy scan! But most exciting - will be next Wednesday, when we find out (as long as little bean cooperates!) if this little bean is a boy or a girl!! We went around 14 weeks (this company guaranteed to find sex at this week, or come back for free if they couldn't determine), and even though I knew somehow I wouldn't leave there knowing the sex, I did enjoy seeing little bean jumping around on the ultrasound for 20 minutes, and we got a DVD. We also got a sneak peek at bean with the 4d camera. Anyway, bean kept his/her knees SHUT and ankles crossed the ENTIRE time!! Everyone says this baby will have mommy's personality (stubborn!).. :) No doubt it will, and daddy's mellowness will be nowhere in sight! ;) So, we go back for our redo next Wednesday, and I swear I cannot think of anything else. I want it to be the 30th SO bad!

Sometimes I am amazed at how uncomplicated this pregnancy is, considering the last two... I can't say for sure, but my feeling is that this medication I am on is saving it from any problems. Sometimes, I get so sad/angry, because I had this prescription in hand, for the first AND second pregnancy, but didn't take it. I often wonder what would be today if I had taken it.. Would I have a 6 month old? Would I have a 1 month old? I know it's unfair to think this way, but I just feel so guilty, like I caused those 2 babies to die because I didn't take a pill.

Another problem with losing 2, is that I am still SO nervous. I know I am past the miscarriage (for the most part) stage, but I just worry! I'm sure I will worry up until viability at 24 weeks!

Either way, I am enjoying this pregnancy and am thanking God daily for the gift he has given us! I have great feelings about this baby coming home in September! Please pray that everything continues to go perfectly, as it has for 4 months now. :) Thank you!

Matt is doing well, his shoulder is STILL in a sling, and will remain there for ANOTHER 3 weeks. He starts PT next week, which he is ecstatic for! He is looking forward to being able to move his arm/shoulder without pain. He is also SO anxious to go back to work (hopefully)!

2nd Trimester

Wow, its been almost 3 weeks since I last blogged. I think in a way, I didn't want to. I was kind of afraid of jinxing myself or something weird. I've been having this jinx feeling ever since I became pregnant. "If I tell them, will something bad happen?".. "If I buy maternity clothes will something bad happen?"

Then, I bring myself back to reality. I realize that anything can happen at anytime, and that I have no control. God is in control, not me. He has given me the gift to carry 3 children, and I hope His next gift is the gift of life.

Back to the reason for this blog entry! I made it to the 2nd trimester! Hallelujah! Tomorrow will be the farthest along I have ever been! I lost baby Jakob at exactly 13 weeks... BUT, I was bleeding from 10w5d on. This pregnancy has been clockwork and has brought NO problems upon us. Nothing any Dr. is worried about. No raised eyebrows. No nothing!

When I decided that we would try again in December (we were going to wait until Jan or Feb) I prayed to God and asked him to not let me become pregnant, if the pregnancy wouldn't last. Now, so far we are on track! It appears He has answered this prayer, and I couldn't be more blessed and thankful to Him. I told him also, that this child would be His. We will raise this child in His eye. Through His name.

Thank you God for giving me this gift of life!!

In 1 week.

In exactly 1 week from today, a year ago, I miscarried my first child. In exactly 1 week, this year, is Jakob's due date. I am already dreading it and becoming so emotional and afraid of what that day will bring, that I don't know how I will walk through that day. If Matt is still in the hospital, it will be double worse. He is my strength and rock.
I am SO grateful to God for giving me a 3rd chance, and so far so good. But, I still grieve. I still wish those babies had survived, those pregnancies been viable.
I wake up everyday afraid of what could happen. When it's been gone through twice, it feels like naturally, it has to happen again. I told Matt the other day that if this pregnancy ends early, he will probably need to admit me to a psych ward. I PRAY that God has mercy on me and this baby, but if its not in his plans, I have no control. But, it does mean that I will be a mess. How can I even think this way? I have no other option... I had lived it twice, its my life.

He's keeping me busy!

I know God has been here this pregnancy, and in full effect. One of the ways I know, is because he has kept me busy! Not physically, but mentally! He knew I would be a wreck during the 1st trimester... So, he allowed me to become sick for 2-3 weeks! I was so sick, I couldn't even think about being pregnant, even if I wanted to! Now, this week is a downer week (I started bleeding with Jakob at 10 weeks). Up until the 24th, and he picked this week for Matt to be admitted to the hospital. Again, I won't be able to think about being pregnant (as much), because I will be visiting, thinking and worrying about Matt.
It's true what they say... He works in mysterious ways! SO true!!