In 1 week.

In exactly 1 week from today, a year ago, I miscarried my first child. In exactly 1 week, this year, is Jakob's due date. I am already dreading it and becoming so emotional and afraid of what that day will bring, that I don't know how I will walk through that day. If Matt is still in the hospital, it will be double worse. He is my strength and rock.
I am SO grateful to God for giving me a 3rd chance, and so far so good. But, I still grieve. I still wish those babies had survived, those pregnancies been viable.
I wake up everyday afraid of what could happen. When it's been gone through twice, it feels like naturally, it has to happen again. I told Matt the other day that if this pregnancy ends early, he will probably need to admit me to a psych ward. I PRAY that God has mercy on me and this baby, but if its not in his plans, I have no control. But, it does mean that I will be a mess. How can I even think this way? I have no other option... I had lived it twice, its my life.

He's keeping me busy!

I know God has been here this pregnancy, and in full effect. One of the ways I know, is because he has kept me busy! Not physically, but mentally! He knew I would be a wreck during the 1st trimester... So, he allowed me to become sick for 2-3 weeks! I was so sick, I couldn't even think about being pregnant, even if I wanted to! Now, this week is a downer week (I started bleeding with Jakob at 10 weeks). Up until the 24th, and he picked this week for Matt to be admitted to the hospital. Again, I won't be able to think about being pregnant (as much), because I will be visiting, thinking and worrying about Matt.
It's true what they say... He works in mysterious ways! SO true!!