Tuesday, May 24, 2011


When I found out I was pregnant, back in early January, I thought that each milestone was light years away! 12 weeks! 16 weeks! 20 weeks! and then when I thought about 24 weeks, I thought that there was NO way I would be getting to that point....

I made it! AND, with flying colors!!! The baby measures perfect, every time. His heart is perfect. My growth is perfect. Blood pressure perfect. I have gained about 3 lbs, in 24 weeks. Everything is perfect.

I was put through hell, losing 2 babies, to find out God's plan. He HAD a plan. He saved my life, before he let me grow a healthy life. Without those 2 babies, I would not have found out some health issues, lost all of my weight, quit smoking, etc. I thank God, and my 2 babies, for sacrificing their lives, for their brother Wyatt, and their mom.

Tomorrow, if Wyatt were to be born, he would have a 50-70% chance of survival. Everyday after tomorrow, the % goes up tremendously! I DO NOT want to have Wyatt this week, or any week soon, but I am starting to have a good relaxing calm, knowing that every week I go farther, I am looking at bringing my baby boy home! I know some people are probably wondering why I even worry, about preterm... Well, having lost 2, it is scary! I know everything has been perfect, so I don't really have a risk of preterm, per say, but its nice to know I am getting to a point where I am can breathe a bit easier.

Sunday, May 22, 2011

Father's Day

So, I surely realize that all of my friends out there have the best husbands too, but sometimes I just have to talk about my lovely husband.

Sometimes, I am so in awe of this man! Battling and beating cancer TWO times. Being 37 and on complete, permanent diaability (for now at least), having to be on blood thinners, and worse, living in fear of a blood clot your entire life... Plus so many more things. I know, that when standing on the "edge" and being given the chance to survive, your entire view on life and love changes.
Almost everyday since I became pregnant with Wyatt, Matt has made us/worried about dinner and all meals. Every night after dinner he collects pajamas from our room, brings them to the bathroom, and sets up a warm salt bath. He walks with me 2-3 times a day, even when he doesnt feel good. He will go and buy the food i HAVE to have. He cleans our house top to bottom, drives Evan to church group, deals with all of his schoolwork... He rubs my belly, back whenever I am uncomfortable. Every single night, I lay across his chest and he rubs my back/hair until I fall asleep.
He just lives to do things and care for others! Completely selfless! I strive to be as giving as him!
I hope our son posesses Matt's selfless, giving traits.
I am so in love with this man!

Thursday, May 5, 2011


......What a nasty word.


negative (comparative more negative, superlative most negative)

  1. not positive or neutral
  2. pessimistic; not tending to see the bright side of things.
    I don't like to hang around him very much, because he can be so negative many times about his petty problems.
  3. damaging; undesirable; unfavourable
    The high exchange rate will have a negative effect on our profits.
    Customers didn't like it: feedback was mostly negative.
  4. (mathematics) of number, less than zero
  5. (physics) of electrical charge of an electron and related particles


Sometimes, I am negative (it seems like more than not, these days). Everyone, except God Himself, has negativity. It's human nature, and its expected.

These last few days, my life on facebook has become another whirlwind of negative creation! It all started when our Navy Seals killed Osama Bin Laden. Before his blood was even dry, and probably before he even met Our maker, people started to debate over whether or not Obama, or our military were responsible for his capture/death. I will no longer engage in who I think was responsible, did the better deed, etc. It doesn't matter. No one should rejoice in the death of another. I understand why it had to happen... But, I will not go into a political debate over it.

I learned this the hard (or negative) way. I got into "it" with someone today. And actually, I am so THANKFUL to her, for letting me see the light. Instead of being a wicked person, and just cursing me out, she calmly showed me how I was acting. My heart is so sad, to see how someone was "perceiving" me. So, Thank you to her!

Life has been a roller coaster for me and for my husband, and for my husband and I together. Could all of the things we have been through put a negative, sharp edge on me? I would like to use the bad things I have been through as an excuse to be a bitch, but I look at my husband. The most calm, sweet hearted, loving and giving person! He has been through SO much more than me, and yet, he doesn't hold a grudge. He stays mellow, and stays giving. I yearn to be like him. I really like to think I am not such a cold hearted person, but maybe I am!

No more! God and I will "talk" sometimes. Granted, I am doing all of the talking, but through others, I hear Him. There is no reason to stay "sharp-edged", negative or cold. My wall can come down, and it will still be the same! I will be okay! My wall has become too thick, that I was letting NOTHING and sometimes NO ONE in! There was wrought iron, wood, mortar, brick, and even some chain link. It was a thick wall!

Part of letting go of negativity, is realizing no one is perfect. I can't make them perfect. I can't be perfect. I can just accept the people for who they are! Everyone is going through something too.

Sometimes I let out a breath, and I realize I had been holding it in for too, too long. Right now, I feel like I just let out the largest, deepest breath ever.

I know that I can not be perfect, and that I will slip up. But my mission now, forever more, is to TRY to be as positive and as optimistic as I can possibly be! To practice what I learn from His word.

**Please pray for Matt. He has been going through a lot in the last month, with an entirely new, potential health problem. He will be going for an MRI this week or next, and having a LOT of blood work done. We know there IS a problem, but we are praying that God makes it a problem we can deal with, and one that won't damper his daily life more than it has. Thank you to those who pray for him. He is a strong, strong man. And I love him more than anything, and couldn't imagine him without me...**

Wednesday, May 4, 2011

21 weeks!

21 weeks! 7 weeks until the 3rd trimester!! Its SO amazing how fast pregnancy goes, when there are no problems! I remember with the other 2 pregnancies, how slow it seemed to go! Now, I'm over halfway and time is not slowing (which is great!!).

Not much to report on, but I just wanted to keep this blog going!

Tuesday, April 26, 2011

Tomorrow! Tomorrow!

Holy crap! Here I sit, on the Eve of my 20th week. Could it BE??! Life, God, Faith... It's all pretty freakin' amazing if you ask me!

I don't know if I wrote about this or not, but RIGHT after Matt and I "tried" for this pregnancy, I had a meltdown and was so terrified, and on the verge of regret. I was SO terrified I would for sure be going through what I went through with Baby Bean and Jakob. I prayed to God daily, asking him to not let me become pregnant, if it meant losing another baby. I just told him I couldn't handle it.

Well, I think he heard me, and not only is there a beautiful baby growing inside of me today, but I have made it through 20 weeks of pregnancy! Baby boy is sounding great, looking great! Next Monday I go for his anatomy scan, and I CANNOT wait!!

I had a pretty emotional Easter. I was able to contain it to just between Matt, myself and God though. I quietly cried through Church. Ever since I found out I was pregnant on the 5th of January, I found the next Holiday, and checked to see how far I would be by that date. On the calendar I found Easter, and found that 3 days after Easter I would be 20 weeks along. In my heart it looked SO HARD to get to that date. Because of the last pregnancies, I just had negative thoughts. Well, I am here sitting now. One day away from Easter! Praise You God!!!

And, at my 20 week OB appt. yesterday, I happily weighed in at the SAME weight I started at 20 weeks ago! I lost 2 lbs throughout the last 20 weeks, but have gained them back and am now back at 0! The Dr was VERY impressed. My belly is DEFINITELY growing, so I am probably just losing a little bit of weight as we go. I am NOT dieting, or restricting myself. But, being on a restricted diet, and exercising still (walking 1 mile a day), is just I guess keeping me balanced. :) No complaints here!

Today we go for a follow up for Matt. He had some tests done about a month ago and today we find out those results. He is sitting in the living room playing Angry Birds on our ipod, trying to keep his mind from worrying/wandering. Please pray for him today? Thank you!

Friday, April 15, 2011

Eating right while you're pregnant?!

We have all heard of the woman who get to "eat for two" during pregnancy and gain 50-100 lbs and not have a doctor even flinch in their direction, right? The woman who have absolutely zero risk pregnancies. The woman who smoke cigarettes, marijuana, may even drink alcohol, or worse, do major drugs... But yet they give birth to normal (in this sense) babies.

I did EVERYTHING I could before this pregnancy to ensure a healthy baby/pregnancy, and so far, it's paying off! I lost 40 lbs, I quit smoking, I changed my eating habits and I got on a new medication to help with my hormones. So far, these all have made for a very comfortable, uncomplicated pregnancy. However, this is not to say that I am super, SUPER jealous of the woman who can eat a truck load of ice cream! I will do ANYTHING for this little boy to come home healthy, but I must say sometimes I wish I could just pig out - because lets face it - all pregnant woman just want to eat! I have lost 2 lbs so far during this pregnancy (but you wouldn't guess that looking at this baby mountain protruding out the front of me!). When you have to check your blood sugar 4 times a day, and document EVERYTHING you eat, and then have a nurse check it every 2 weeks - you don't slip! I want to!!... But I don't.

After I lost Jakob, a fellow baby loss mom and I were talking and I said "I just want to make it to the "safe point" to be able to relax, in a pregnancy. She kind of laughed and said, "Once you get to 12 weeks, you will want to get to viability, and then you will worry about stillbirth". Now remember, when you have lost 2 already, you fear ALL of the worst. I thought, after that mom and I talked - I doubt it, I will be fine at 12 weeks. Wrong. I got to 12 and still worried. Is my cervix competent? Is his heart okay? Now, I am stressed over the anatomy scan, because we denied any and all testing. After that, I will be stressed until viability! Then, I am HOPING, at that point, I will be able to relax. I sure sound like a nervous "nelly"!. Sometimes I need to remind myself that I am not in control, and that He is. When I remind myself of this, I relax a lot. It is what it is. I can do this!

Unbelievably, I am nearing closer and closer to a point in pregnancy that honestly, I NEVER expected to be witnessing! I am ALMOST halfway. I am SO close I can taste it! In less than 2 weeks, I will be out of these "teen" weeks and feeling like I have graduated to a better stage!

I often daydream about this little boy... I wonder what/who he will look like. Will he have mommy's nose? Daddy's chin? Mommy's red hair? Daddy's cute butt? I am so happy and grateful to God for giving us this gift. So grateful in fact, that, it takes away all of the selfishness I have for not getting to eat junk food all day! :)

Happy weekend everyone!

Tuesday, April 12, 2011

He keeps us safe!

I owe the success of this pregnancy to 2 things/people. God & Metformin. Wow! I guess I am mixing God/religion and Science... That feels weird to say, but I know its absolutely true...

Tomorrow I will be 18 weeks along. Time just keeps ticking by, and I couldn't be more tickled about it!

I was referred to Sweet Success (a program for pregnant women with GD, Type I or II diabetes, or other blood sugar issues). I was a little frustrated at first because 1, I am NOT diabetic or have GD, and the dietitian I met with did not understand what I was telling her. 2, they wanted me to change up my diet to calorie counting, instead of carbohydrate counting, which I've become accustomed too in the last year. I talked with the mgr of the program yesterday and got it all straightened out. They also gave me a new meter, which ended up being a POS! It was WAY off and of course I started to freak. My old/good meter (major brand) was reading my fasting #s between 70-90 and this new meter (cheap/generic) was reading 95+.. Well, over 95 consistently calls for more meds or insulin! So it was actually a big deal. I guess I realized that in life instead of sitting and being frustrated, just calling someone and talking makes it all the much better!

We have chosen our son's name! We are SO excited! As soon as we have the anatomy scan and are for sure its a boy (the private place we went to said they were "pretty sure", and the pictures do look more boy than girl, but we want to make sure) we will announce his name! :) We are in love with it!

Not much else going on! Except I am praising God and feeling SO good!

Thursday, March 24, 2011


I have totally flaked on blogging during this pregnancy! Partly because my sweet husband bought me an ipod touch for my birthday (he gave it to me early), and I have yet to turn on the computer at home (can't blog on the ipod touch). I'm in LOVE with the ipod touch. I swear its an iphone, just without the phone. I have pregnancy apps, facebook, news, weather, games.. Everything on it!

This pregnancy is still (God willing) going PERFECT! It's unbelievable how FAST it goes, when there is nothing to worry about. On Monday I go in for my 16 week check with the OB and then 3 weeks later I am back to perinatal for our anatomy scan! But most exciting - will be next Wednesday, when we find out (as long as little bean cooperates!) if this little bean is a boy or a girl!! We went around 14 weeks (this company guaranteed to find sex at this week, or come back for free if they couldn't determine), and even though I knew somehow I wouldn't leave there knowing the sex, I did enjoy seeing little bean jumping around on the ultrasound for 20 minutes, and we got a DVD. We also got a sneak peek at bean with the 4d camera. Anyway, bean kept his/her knees SHUT and ankles crossed the ENTIRE time!! Everyone says this baby will have mommy's personality (stubborn!).. :) No doubt it will, and daddy's mellowness will be nowhere in sight! ;) So, we go back for our redo next Wednesday, and I swear I cannot think of anything else. I want it to be the 30th SO bad!

Sometimes I am amazed at how uncomplicated this pregnancy is, considering the last two... I can't say for sure, but my feeling is that this medication I am on is saving it from any problems. Sometimes, I get so sad/angry, because I had this prescription in hand, for the first AND second pregnancy, but didn't take it. I often wonder what would be today if I had taken it.. Would I have a 6 month old? Would I have a 1 month old? I know it's unfair to think this way, but I just feel so guilty, like I caused those 2 babies to die because I didn't take a pill.

Another problem with losing 2, is that I am still SO nervous. I know I am past the miscarriage (for the most part) stage, but I just worry! I'm sure I will worry up until viability at 24 weeks!

Either way, I am enjoying this pregnancy and am thanking God daily for the gift he has given us! I have great feelings about this baby coming home in September! Please pray that everything continues to go perfectly, as it has for 4 months now. :) Thank you!

Matt is doing well, his shoulder is STILL in a sling, and will remain there for ANOTHER 3 weeks. He starts PT next week, which he is ecstatic for! He is looking forward to being able to move his arm/shoulder without pain. He is also SO anxious to go back to work (hopefully)!

Wednesday, March 9, 2011

2nd Trimester

Wow, its been almost 3 weeks since I last blogged. I think in a way, I didn't want to. I was kind of afraid of jinxing myself or something weird. I've been having this jinx feeling ever since I became pregnant. "If I tell them, will something bad happen?".. "If I buy maternity clothes will something bad happen?"

Then, I bring myself back to reality. I realize that anything can happen at anytime, and that I have no control. God is in control, not me. He has given me the gift to carry 3 children, and I hope His next gift is the gift of life.

Back to the reason for this blog entry! I made it to the 2nd trimester! Hallelujah! Tomorrow will be the farthest along I have ever been! I lost baby Jakob at exactly 13 weeks... BUT, I was bleeding from 10w5d on. This pregnancy has been clockwork and has brought NO problems upon us. Nothing any Dr. is worried about. No raised eyebrows. No nothing!

When I decided that we would try again in December (we were going to wait until Jan or Feb) I prayed to God and asked him to not let me become pregnant, if the pregnancy wouldn't last. Now, so far we are on track! It appears He has answered this prayer, and I couldn't be more blessed and thankful to Him. I told him also, that this child would be His. We will raise this child in His eye. Through His name.

Thank you God for giving me this gift of life!!

Thursday, February 17, 2011

In 1 week.

In exactly 1 week from today, a year ago, I miscarried my first child. In exactly 1 week, this year, is Jakob's due date. I am already dreading it and becoming so emotional and afraid of what that day will bring, that I don't know how I will walk through that day. If Matt is still in the hospital, it will be double worse. He is my strength and rock.
I am SO grateful to God for giving me a 3rd chance, and so far so good. But, I still grieve. I still wish those babies had survived, those pregnancies been viable.
I wake up everyday afraid of what could happen. When it's been gone through twice, it feels like naturally, it has to happen again. I told Matt the other day that if this pregnancy ends early, he will probably need to admit me to a psych ward. I PRAY that God has mercy on me and this baby, but if its not in his plans, I have no control. But, it does mean that I will be a mess. How can I even think this way? I have no other option... I had lived it twice, its my life.

Wednesday, February 16, 2011

He's keeping me busy!

I know God has been here this pregnancy, and in full effect. One of the ways I know, is because he has kept me busy! Not physically, but mentally! He knew I would be a wreck during the 1st trimester... So, he allowed me to become sick for 2-3 weeks! I was so sick, I couldn't even think about being pregnant, even if I wanted to! Now, this week is a downer week (I started bleeding with Jakob at 10 weeks). Up until the 24th, and he picked this week for Matt to be admitted to the hospital. Again, I won't be able to think about being pregnant (as much), because I will be visiting, thinking and worrying about Matt.
It's true what they say... He works in mysterious ways! SO true!!

Wednesday, January 19, 2011

Baby Hudak

3rd times the charm, right? I am pregnant again! For the 3rd time in one year. Oh what a roller coaster this has been. When we got the green light back in early December, we first decided to wait to try again until at least January/February. I didn't want to risk having the same due date as the first bean. But then, we thought "why not".. If it's meant to be it will happen. Plus, in my deranged mind I just figured well if we get pregnant right away, and something (God forbid) happens, then I would prefer to get it over with sooner, rather than later! So, I started using the BBT method (but didnt really need to because with the new medicine my ovulation is pretty painful) and well, we conceived on Christmas Eve or Christmas Day! Our baby's estimated due date is Sept. 15th, 2011. Our first bean was due Sept. 4th and I miscarried that bean on Feb 24th, and then Jakob's due date was Feb. 24th and then I lost him on Aug 17th. Now, we are due again in September, but about 11 days after the first due date. It wouldn't have mattered to me if it was the same as Bean #1 due date.
Surprisingly, I am VERY relaxed (baby wise) this time. With Jakob I was freaked the entire time. This time I'm not. I know I have done EVERYTHING I can to ensure this baby is born healthy and strong! That's not to say that I may lose this one too, but I think I have just come to the realization that it can happen, and I have been through it twice now. I will pray and just wait.
As far as everything else goes, I think I've got every symptom in the book! My "morning" sickness has decided to kick in in the afternoon/evenings and I am SO irritable, tired and emotional.
I would love if you would pray for us! I see the Dr on the 31st and will have our first u/s a few days after that.

Oh! And the url of this blog will now only be 1 year off! ;)

Friday, January 7, 2011


Blogging truly is a GREAT way to let off steam. An easy way to vent, and not have to worry about the reactions from people. You ultimate goal is to write a blog for yourself, but, you make it public for those that want to read about your life. A Public Diary. I can't even begin to imagine just how many blogs are out there. Have you ever hit the "Next Blog" button? You could do it for days and never see the same one twice. I will do just that on occasion too, and have written and become friends with some of the authors of those great blogs.

I also like to look around for free backgrounds that people make and publish. There is a website that I LOVE going to, and I use her backgrounds all of the time: http://simplyblogitbackgrounds.blogspot.com/ - Jennifer makes them all and she does a FANTASTIC job. I recently saw on her blog that you could request a background, and so, I did. I told her about my beans, and how much I loved sock monkeys and not but 4-5 days later, there is it! Titled "Beans" and "For Emily"! How sweet! So, welcome to the new Bean background blog :) I am so excited to have a background that is actually personalized to me.

Monday, January 3, 2011

January 4th

Tomorrow is the day that I got my very FIRST positive pregnancy test ever in my life, one year ago. I will always remember the excitement, the love I felt, the fear (of actually BEING pregnant, it was happening!)...I will always remember the PILE of pregnancy tests that I took (just to make sure!) I was SO happy and so ready for my first child. Then, a few short weeks later those dreamed were dashed forever. I will always remember how sad I felt. How I fell into Matt's body while I screamed. I will always remember the cold, plastic bed I was lying on, while my dead baby's picture was in my hand. This might sound dramatic, but you try going through it, then tell me how you felt when you were told that your baby's life wasn't viable.

It feels like my life is full of sad dates. When I realize the date, I feel the pit in my stomach grow. But today I decided those will be dates of happiness, of excitement. Those dates will always be true to my heart, and very close. I can tell you the dates I conceived, the dates I took pregnancy tests, the dates I saw heartbeats, the dates I lost both pregnancies. I don't even need to look at a calendar.

Hopefully, this year will be full of really exciting dates! Let's hope!!

Saturday, January 1, 2011


Welcome New Year! I have been expecting you, and waiting ever so patiently for your arrival!

I've never been the type (besides maybe at the age of 21/22) to go out and "party", drink, or bar hop. I can probably count the times I have been in a bar (to actually drink) on both hands. I have no quarrels with those who do, but it's never been my thing. I can probably count one one hand how many "drinks" I've had in the last 12 months as well. I'm not anti drinking, I just don't do it. Now that I have quit smoking (and I don't use drugs), maybe I should reinvent the whole Straight Edge thing! Whoa, talk about a mental trip back to high school! ;)

Wow, that train almost derailed! Let me get back to the whole reason for this blog (if there really even IS one!) I guess what I was getting at is that the New Year/New Year's Eve Holiday has never really been a big deal for me. It didn't give me a reason to go out an drink, or anything, because I just didn't roll that way. But last night I tried... I really tried to stay up and wait it out, because it meant a lot to me to see 2010 end. Needless to say, the last time I remember seeing on my ihome, was 10:21. And then the lights went out!

That's okay though, because this morning when I woke up I kind of felt a little bit lighter, a little bit happier. I felt good. When I talk about 2010 being so sucky, I feel bad because I got married that year, and I quit smoking, and lost a lot of weight... Its not like the bad outweighs the good. Its just that of COURSE I love that I got married, but it sucks that I lost 2 pregnancies during the same year, and that just that alone, ruined the year for memories. 2010 will always be the year of a MILLION changes in my life, but it will ALWAYS also be the year I lost the 2 children I will never meet.

Waking up this morning didn't erase the fact that that happened. It didn't make it go away. But, it kind of made it feel like a clean slate was upon me. I get an entirely new year (God willing) to have some more great opportunities, and hopefully, have a child born full term, and alive.

I'm never the type to make a New Year's resolution because I know that it will never work. It's kind of why I quit smoking one month before this date. Instead, I think I would like to make a few New Year's promises/attempts. I will think long and hard of these, and write them in a journal to see often and practice doing.

I'm pretty sure some people are annoyed by me talking about this for so long, but its my life, and its what has happened to me. Trust me, I don't walk around all day talking about pregnancies, pregnancy loss, babies, etc. But, I do use this blog as an output, and for me, writing about it helps. One day, I hope that instead of these kinds of sad blogs, I will be writing about a newborn baby, and diapers, and being so tired and stressed out. I hope hope hope this will happen by this time next year!

Happy New Year everyone! Here's to a GREAT and FABULOUS 2011!