Happy New Year!

Wow... What a year!!! So many ups, and so many downs. It's definitely was a whirlwind of a year, to say the least.

I am looking forward to saying goodbye to 2010, and welcoming 2011 with big open arms!

Here's to many new and wonderful possibilities for 2011!!

Happy New Year everyone!

Finally done..

...with blood work! I swear I was at the lab at LEAST 10 times in the last 3 months. But, it all payed off in the end. I had a nice long chat with my ob Dr. yesterday... All of my tests as far as the chromosomes and genetic makeup are normal, but one test that has to do with antibodies and some hemoglobin (not sure if that was it) was elevated. It was the 'IGM'.. She said if this came back elevated again, we might have somewhat of an answer for the 2 miscarriages. She said if it was still elevated I would most likely be put on lovenox (which I know ALL too well with Matt) shots during a pregnancy. God had mercy on me and my test came back COMPLETELY normal! This was GREAT news to us.
The crappy part about this news? My Doc can't give me any answers. It's kind of a 'shrug your shoulders' deal where she can't really say why it happened twice. I have my thoughts on why it probably happened, but no one can/will ever know for sure.
She said that with the weight loss, quitting smoking long before the pregnancy, losing the 40 lbs and being on prenatal vitamins and Metformin for months before the pregnancy will all play a 'GREAT odds' hand in the next pregnancy. She is pretty confident that it will end in a live, healthy birth.
I pray DAILY that she is right, and I pray that God help us in this upcoming adventure. I hope that he gives me courage and strength to not freak out and be nervous constantly during the pregnancy too.
Tomorrow marks 10 months since Baby Bean was born, and exactly 2 months before Jakob Bean's due date. I hate the 24th.
We are off to Church to Christmas service! We were so stoked that our Church offered the service tonight as well as tomorrow! This means tomorrow will be an all day pajama/baking/snuggling/family day! :)
Merry Christmas everyone!! And Happy New Year too!

Life lessons, brought to you by Rascal Flatts and Garth!

Do you listen to certain songs JUST because you love the lyrics? Those lyrics mean something to you personally and you can personally relate on every level? I do. And I love finding those songs.

When we had our wedding I chose ALL of the important songs. Before I came out to walk down the aisle I chose "Mama's Song" By Carrie Underwood to play for my mom (who walked me down the aisle). Our first dance was a song by Keith Urban. Matt's song with his mom was "My Wish" by Rascal Flatts. I LOVE this song. It was SO perfect for Matt. He has been through so much.

Sometimes I tell Matt that I don't like that he was married 2 times, and has a child with either ex wife. But then, as soon as it spills from my lips I realize that without him going through those times, him and I probably would not have met. Remember that song by Garth? Thank God for UNanswered prayers? That's an awesome thing to think about. There are SO many things that I thank God for NOT answering. He really knows whats best, and when and where to place people/things in your life.

The one song I think about when I think about Matt's past "life" is "Bless the Broken Road" By Rascal Flatts. Matt and I both have been on broken roads our entire life. This should have been our first dance song, but no one would have "got" it.

I am so grateful to God for giving me this broken road, and for not answering some of my prayers.

God blessed the broken road that led me straight to you... LOVE!

What a year!

This year has brought some amazing changes to my life, and the lives of our families. But the biggest (no pun intended) physical change has been of myself. Although I am hesitant and slightly ashamed (and embarrassed) to share the before pictures with you, I will proudly, because of the huge change I have made!

I didn't use a fad diet. I didn't starve myself. I simply changed my lifestyle. I ate less, and exercised more. What a concept, right? Its true: DIETS DON'T WORK! Really, they don't. If you want to lose weight, and successfully keep it off - don't diet. Eat better, smaller portions, and better food. And then, get your butt outside (or inside, wherever you prefer) and move it!

When I started to officially change my life, I was wearing a size 20W. Now, I am VERY close to squeezing into a 12. My goal is to fit comfortably into a size 10. But, I am not going to punish myself if I don't pull it off quickly, or at all.

I am SO darn proud of myself. My life back "then" was sad. Depressing. I just didn't care. Now I care. I will be upset with myself if I don't get some form of exercise everyday. I also cannot even look at the food I used to eat. This morning at Church Matt bought a donut for himself and one for me. I took 2 bites and handed it over to him. I can't even bring myself to eat such sugary/fattening foods anymore. Now, to someone who is not overweight eating these things on occasion are fine, but to me, its bad news. It only reminds me of the bad ways I had.

So, without further ado... Here are the dreaded pictures.

BEFORE

AFTER (well, currently)
(Don't mind my cheesy grin and lack of makeup, as this was a more candid shot Matt took)

I am 2 days from not having ONE cigarette for TWO weeks!!! I can't believe I am doing it. Obviously, there are some SUPER hard times, but for the most part, overall, it's been quite easy. I have been a bitch on certain mornings, but once I slap the patch on and it starts to soak in to my skin the horns start to shrink. I am impressed with myself, and I have learned that you can do anything as long as you set your heart to it. I also have learned in the last week and a half that you are forced to "re learn" life after quitting smoking. Everything about your life revolved around smoking.

Matt and I got our green light last week from the Dr., and were very thrilled. Of course, now after the excitement settles, comes fear and anxiety. But, not too bad. I am nervous, and I am worried, but I am handing it over to God. I DO know that I am giving this next pregnancy every chance to be successful, with my weight loss, quitting smoking before (not right when I find out I am pregnant), being on Metformin and eating right. I'm not sure when Matt and I will start trying again, but it will probably be soon. I have started doing the BBT every morning and I have a stockpile of ovulation tests.

I pray that if God lets me become pregnant, that he also protects this baby from harm.

Can you believe that Christmas will be here in 12 days?! Where did December go?! Where did this YEAR go?? I am excited for the future, and I am excited for this year to be over as well.

Today...

Is the day I go back to hear all my results on the last 3 months of blood work. When we saw the doctor back September, she said "Don't get pregnant until I see you in December, then we will see where we are at, and I can give you the "green light"". Well, today is that day. I'm SO nervous. I already know that most of my blood work came back normal, because my primary looked it all up a few weeks ago. But, maybe there is something she didn't tell me, or she will want me to wait longer. I don't actually mind if she tells me to wait another month or two, but I worry if she says "Don't do it at all". I doubt this will happen, but it still freaks me out.
I had received so many answers in the last 2 months that I just couldn't bear to hear anymore bad news.
Tomorrow, I would be hitting 30 weeks with Jakob. It's amazing how time flies. So many what ifs and should haves!

Wish me luck! I definitely need it today!

2010 is working out to be a not so bad year after all!

So, not many of you probably know this, but I have been a smoker for over 10 years! Minus the pregnancies of course (Which wasn't very long, and I did smoke in the beginning of each pregnancy, before I knew I was pregnant). I started back up after this last miscarriage, and probably doubled the amount I smoked. I kept telling myself every year that I would quit, but never did. Set a date, tried to cut down... Nothing worked. After this last miscarriage, at first I didn't care, and didn't WANT to stop. And all of the other times I "planned" on quitting, it was for someone else.

Not this time. This time it was for me.

So, my New Year's Resolution started 1 month early...

And it's been 5 WHOLE days without ONE cigarette! To you non smokers, this doesn't sound like much, but to you smokers, this is like a living hell. But, the awesome thing is that it's NOT bad at ALL! I'm using the patch, and it's working great! I guess it wouldn't work that good unless you actually WANT to stop smoking.

I feel so.. healthy, clean and just alive! I know, I'm stupid, but it's SO true.

The other amazing thing is that now, I can do ANYTHING! Again, for non smokers, you might not get it, but when you smoke, pretty much EVERYTHING in your life is revolved around when you can have your next cigarette. At work you countdown until your next break. At home you pause movies to go smoke. You hardly get to enjoy a meal because you are outside smoking before it's even hit your stomach. You don't go do certain things because it takes away from your smoking. It's an addiction, like every other drug, drink, well... addiction.

In 2010 I can gladly say:
I stopped biting my nails (not a huge deal, but I bit them since I was 9!)
Stopped being addicted to food and soda
Lost nearly 40 lbs!
QUIT SMOKING!!!

It feels awesome. I didn't intend on announcing it, but the extra support could come in handy!

For you smokers, try the patch! Don't bother going cold turkey, or cutting down daily (won't work!), or using the E Cigg. Set a date and put on the patch. The first step of putting it on is the hardest, but really, once its been on 20 mins or so, you don't even think about smoking!

For once I can proudly say - YAY ME!!!

I remember....

So, today I realized that it wasn't only Thanksgiving. 9 months ago, to the day - I lost my first Baby Bean. The memories of that night are still like a movie playing in my mind. That entire week. As we prepared for our wedding, knowing that our baby was no longer alive inside of me. I sat and wrote out our invitations, all the while hoping, praying, dealing with God that the little Bean inside of me would actually be alive. I remember the first u/s and the baby measuring a week behind. I remember how little I knew about u/s monitors and how I should have been seeing a flutter, movement. I remember being told that our baby had died. I remember being 9 weeks and 6 days that day. I remember going for a 2nd ultrasound, "just to make sure" and then coming home and sitting on the living room floor and writing addresses on our invites. I remember Matt going into the bedroom to call the Dr. to hear about the ultrasound. I remember him saying "Are you sure?"...... By the time Matt got to me in the living room I was in a ball on the floor. He picked me up and held me for a very long time. I remember that same night, the miscarriage (bleeding) started, but didn't actually miscarry until about a week later. I remember burying our baby in the ground. I remember how awful I felt, but how optimistic I felt too. I thought that it was just the random "one time" deal.

I remember marrying the most amazing, loving and handsome man ever. I remember Matt crying during our vows. I remember all of the love we received from our family and friend that day. I remember leaving for our 5 nights in Las Vegas and having the most AMAZING time.

I remember coming home and I remember being so eager to try again. I had lost about 15 lbs and I thought I would breeze through the next pregnancy....

I remember knowing the exact day we conceived, and just knowing that we would be getting a positive pregnancy test. I felt SO ready. I felt SO happy. And of course, two weeks later I got my big fat positive. I remember how much I loved our new Bean. I remember Matt not wanting to get attached. I remember how sick I was for weeks. I would do it again for 9 months if I had to.

I remember making it to our 8 week Dr appointment. I remember waking up to shower that morning and finding blood. I remember my meltdown. I remember going in to see our new Dr. and then going to our ultrasound. I remember seeing our little Jakob bouncing all over the screen! He measured right on target. I remember them telling me that I had Placenta Previa and I remember talking to Matt about it and saying, whatever we had to do we would for this baby. I remember going back a week later and getting another u/s because I was still bleeding. I remember seeing my little man jumping around everywhere. I remember the instant love I felt. The tech told me "look at your baby... Your baby is so active, and is measuring perfect". I remember sobbing. I knew that the tech's couldn't tell me much, but she must have seen my fear. I remember her giving me a picture of Jakob, our one and only face shot of our baby. I remember walking out to the waiting room and gleaming at Matt. I said "Our baby is OK!!!" - " He has a HEARTBEAT!!!"

I remember the day I turned 13 weeks I was getting ready for bed and I thought I was feeling contractions, and I said to Matt "I swear I am having contractions".... I will always feel guilt for crawling into bed that night. It's not like I know if they would have, or could have done anything because I was too "early", but, I will always feel guilty for at least not going down to be checked. I remember waking up that same night, at 3AM and having contractions every 5 minutes. I remember just lying there sobbing. I didn't even wake Matt. Eventually he woke, and we headed down to the ER where we heard our fate. That was on August 17th, the day after Matt's birthday. I went for another u/s and heard our babies heartbeat for the last time. 153 beats per minute. The report for that u/s said "Dilated internal cervical os with bulging membranes and engagement of the fetal head. LIVE intrauterine pregnancy with fetal heart rate of 153 BPM". "Dilated measuring 3.8cm". I remember the ER Dr. asking me if I wanted to "keep every chance of this pregnancy".... Which meant "Do you want a D&C?"... I told him I wasn't going to do anything because my baby had a heartbeat. They told me I could stay and be admitted, but I went home. I slept almost the entire day, with contractions slowing. Even though Jakob was engaged and I was dilated, and ultimately losing him, I still had hope. Around 9pm that same day my water broke. Then the contractions started coming faster and harder. The rest is pretty much a blur. 911, amazing La Verne Paramedics coming into the bathroom. Riding to the ER. Being told that the baby had passed already and was "hanging" from me. I remember seeing him. I remember how perfect he looked, and so at peace. He may have only been 13 weeks, but he looked like a baby. He was 7.7 cm from crown to rump. Which is almost 3 inches, but then his legs were probably another 2 or so. He was beautiful.

I remember getting morphine for the first time in my life. I remember being loopy and calm. I remember how much blood there was. I remember how low my blood pressure was. I remember being discharged and looking at Jakob one more time. Why didn't I have my camera?? My camera is now, always in my purse.

I remember coming home and sleeping. For a long time. I remember being angry at Matt and then sobbing. Long and loud cries. I literally cried my heart out.

I remember our Las Vegas trip and how much bleeding and crying were involved. I remember not wanting to come home. I remember thinking "How the hell did I think it would make it better to come to Vegas?!"...

I remember receiving the pathology report for Jakob. No gross external morphologic abnormalities are identified. Macerated male fetus. Negative for developmental anomalies. Consistent with gestational age of 13 weeks. The thoracic and abdominal cavities are examined revealing no obvious abnormalities of organogenesis. The extremities are normally formed...... I remember wanting the Dr to stop reading to me. I remember wishing Matt was with me at this appt. I remember wanting the pathology report in my hand so I could go home and read it. I remember getting in the car and Beyonce's Halo was on. I remember sobbing all the way home, saying "I have a son".

I remember the many Dr appts to follow with specialists, endo Docs, OB/GYN specialists, my primary. Lots and LOTS of fasting bloodwork. I remember getting diagnosis after diagnosis.

I remember my extreme anxiety and panic attacks that were developed after Jakob Bean.

I remember my reconnection with Christ. I remember finding the bible verse at the very top of this blog and realizing I was meant to read it.

I remember waking this morning and realizing that today was our first babies 9 month birthday. I remember this morning thinking we should have had our almost 3 month old on our lap. I remember thinking, well if not a baby, then I should have been nearly 27 weeks pregnant now and eating tons of Thanksgiving food! Showing family my growing belly. Letting people feel our son kicking....

And it will be around Thanksgiving every year. And, it will be Christmas eve. And Jakob's yearly birthday's will be 1 day after his dads.

I remember. I wish I couldn't sometimes, but then I wouldn't know what I do today. I wouldn't feel the Lord's hand in mine. I wouldn't feel the love I have now.

It's amazing that 9 and 3 months later, those 2 pregnancy losses are so fresh and so vivid. The memories. Memories I wouldn't give for anything.


And I will make every effort to see that after my departure you will always be able to remember these things. - 2 Peter 1:15

I thank my God every time I remember you. - Philippians 1:3

Down the road the sun is shining...
In every cloud there's a silver lining.
Just keep holding on...
And every heartache makes you stronger, it won't be much longer..
You'll find love,
You'll find peace
And the you your meant to be..
I know right now that's not the way you feel,
But one day you will...
Find the strength to rise above,
You will...
Find just what your made of, your made of.
- Lady Antebellum

There's so much to be Thankful For!

On any given day you can find something to be mad about. Grouchy. I certainly have days where I wake up and hate the world!

...But last week at Church they played a short video. And in it said that "Showing gratitude means so much more than just saying Thank You".

This touched me. I say thank you a lot. I've never thank Him. I've never told him how happy I am that I was reconnected with him, and in a whole new light. I never told Him how grateful I was for my family, my friends, my husband... my THINGS. After all, none of the things in my life are "mine". Our children, our money, our cars, houses, books and clothes.

The earth is the Lord’s, and everything in it, the world, and all who live in it (Psalm 24:1).

I am so grateful to God, for giving his ONLY Son. For us. For our sins. For our lives.

Could you give your only Son (or Daughter)? I bet you wouldn't. I wouldn't. That sacrifice is amazing.

So, today - Thanksgiving 2010, I am showing my gratitude to God. To Jesus. I know that I am covered by his blood. For without him, I wouldn't have any of the people, things or thoughts I do today.

Red light.... Green light!

So, in about 2 weeks I go back to see the Endocrinologist doctor. She holds the key. She holds the freedom. I have had 3 sets of blood work since I have seen her last (in September), and have 1 more lab appointment before I see her again. I also have to follow up on Dec 15th with a redo of a blood test that was elevated. December will be our month of final answers.. Go-aheads, or Red Lights.

And I am terrified. Not from hearing from the doctors that I shouldn't try again. Honestly, if they told me not to try again, or the odds don't look good, then I will be fine. At least I say that now. I probably wouldn't be. BUT, what terrifies me right now is when they say "go ahead"... Green Light. I cannot go through "that" again. I just can't. The screaming. The crying. The exhaustion. The despression. The anxiety. The bleeding. The Hospitals/Emergency Rooms. The pain, both physically and mentally. The ambulance and 911 calls. The losing another child. I have a HUGE hurdle. I want SO badly to hold my child in my arms, alive and pink and chubby and.. breathing. The problem with trying again, is that I risk HAVING to do "it" again. I have to prepare for all of the "The" listed above.

I told Matt the other day that if the net pregnancy doesn't "work" then I will be done forever. I Pray to God daily to give me strength. Strength for what? Not sure. Just strength. I guess to actually try again. When you try for a baby, its usually fun. This time it won't be. It will be scary. Seeing those 2 lines will be terrifying. But I will do it. I will be brave and I will try to make that little baby who keeps trying to be with us, but doesn't make it.

So will you pray with me for Strength? I need it. In a couple of weeks our world will change. We will either be done trying, or we will be trying again... Until then I will be praying and I will be waiting.

So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. Isaiah 41:10

I guess this is our life!

As most of my readers know, Matt has been hospitalized for a "problem" with his heart (among other things). First it started as in infection, and now they think there may be a problem with his coronary artery. He is having a lot of tests to determine the cause. I feel so bad when he is hospitalized because he is not one to just sit around and wait. I also feel bad because I am home and I hate being without him. I'm hoping that within the next couple of days they find the root of this issue and can fix it. Please pray for a full recovery so he can come home to be with his family before the Holidays begin.

Evan has been having some issues at school with bullies. You never think your child will be apart of this growing rampage, but it does happen. Talk to your children about bullying. Most of the time they're too afraid to come forward on their own. Please pray for Evan and his Strength! He needs it right now.

My new OB doctor called the other day to let me know the results of all of my blood work. All of the chromosome/genetic sides of the tests came back perfect. However, I did have one elevated test that showed an issue with clotting. She said it wasn't really high, but high enough that she will retest in 6 weeks. If it comes back elevated again, she will refer me to a Perinatal doctor. She said usually women with this high level are put on baby aspirin, or Lovenox for the entire pregnancy. She also said it could be the cause of the demise in the pregnancies. As I am elated that genetically and chromatically I am perfect, but I am saddened that I will probably not be able to have a pregnancy that is just a perfect one. I will sacrifice anything I have to, in order to birth a child one day. Please pray for me so that I can gain an understanding with all of this pregnancy "stuff" and please pray for me to stay calm during this time. In about 3 weeks I return to the endocrinologist doctor, and if everything looks good there, she will give us the "green light" to try again. I am terrified. Scared. Confused. Sometimes I am too afraid to even want to try again, but Matt gives me hope and courage. So does my family and close friends. But unless you've been down this road first hand, words are a lot easier to say than actually doing something. So please pray with me that I can gain an understanding and a calming attitude to this whole fertility phase we are going through.


Really, none of this is new for me! I am used to Matt being in the hospital. I am now used to hearing about blood results and seeing endless Dr.'s (Matt and mine). This is our life. I wouldn't have it any other way.

And now for some randoms...

Did you see the bible verse at the top of this blog? Wow. I was speechless when I found it. If you read my blog about Jakob and his name and meaning, and how Jakob changed my life forever, you will know this verse is so perfect for me. Without the sorrow of losing my child, I would not be walking with the Lord the way that I am today.

Matt and I have been reading a book we got from Church. It's about Treasures, and tithing, and the items you have in your life (materialistic things). We read a sentence in the book and loved it! "You'll never see a hearse pulling a Uhaul. Why? Because you can't take it with you!". Instead of storing up your items on earth (that you can't take with you), store up your treasures in Heaven, where you will enjoy in them for eternity! There was another funny part in the book where a man asked an family member about his deceased relative "How much money did he leave?" "All of it". So funny, and SO true! I know this is so abstract, but I just had to share!

"done" with "this"

As I enter my 8th month of marriage to Matt, I am now seeing friends get divorced from 5+ year marriages. Sometimes it feels odd seeing or hearing my friends say they are getting a divorce, at only 30. Not odd in a bad way, but just in a way that says "Yeah, you're THAT old, its going to happen more and more now"... Occasionally I wonder what my friends who are divorcing are going through.

Are they sad? Are they happy? Do they think they were married too young? What are the circumstances surrounding their troubles and ultimately, their divorce.

What can I do to make sure that I don't be apart of the growing statistic of divorce? Just praying about it won't help in this case. Marriages need every possible resource and line of communication opened in order to sustain.

I once saw an article about a marriage counselor who was talking to a female who was about to become married. She had asked him what he does for a career, and he said that he talks with married couples who need help working on their marriage. The girl said, in a very naive way "Don't you just need love?" I laughed. Because when I first met Matt, I thought the same way. All we need is love, and everything else will step into place. This is SO wrong, in so many ways.

As I sit and watch my husband of not even a year go through SO many health problems, I can't honestly say that it hasn't been hard. We have had big fights and big disagreements. How can anyone survive off of the disability check of a 37 year old? How can a 37 year old even HAVE so many health problems and be walking the ground..? How can I be so selfish to make him father another child? How could I make him do anything?

I have said (during a heated moment) that I was "done" and that I couldn't do "this" anymore. But what exactly is "this" and why would I just be "done" with it? What if I had survived cancer two times? What if I had to be on blood thinners for the rest of my life? What if I had only 1 working lung? Would I want my husband to leave me because he became overwhelmed? Would it be fair for him to just be "done" with me because I was too weak and fragile to work?

Everyone has their own dilemmas in a marriage. EVERYONE. I don't think that one person on this planet could say that their relationship/marriage has not had at least 10 hiccups (more like tornado s!) along the way. Its nature. It happens. Never are 2 people the same in every way. People disagree, and people argue... But where do you draw the line? When is it acceptable to just be "done"?

In my own opinion... If one side has "checked out" and you have tried EVERYTHING possible to fix things, then it would in most cases be okay to be "done". If you married someone because you were pregnant, then it would be okay to be "done". If your husband or wife were having an affair, then absolutely, okay to be "done". Domestic violence - YES. "Done".

The above is ONLY my opinion. Again, every situation is unique.

"Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh." Genesis 2:24

When do you think its not okay to just be "done"?

You don't have to be angry all the time...

You would all be lying (well, most of you anyway) if you said that when you're angry it doesn't feels good. Or, being angry is easier than just letting it go. I would be a liar if I said those things. Sometimes when I get angry I don't let it go because it feels so much better than saying "I'm over it" or, "I forgive you". I'm not talking about feelings of sadness, or guilt. I feel bad when I feel those and want to feel better. But anger is a whole different story.

Last night I realized that being angry is easy to do. Especially with how my life has been this last year, I could easily go for a big steaming cup of rage at any given moment. But then this morning I woke up and I realized that I don't always see my anger from the other person's side, and I never give the other side of my anger a fair chance.

Why is it so much easier to be angry? I bet we could all come up with some great reasons, especially when we are in the heat of the moment. But what does it really accomplish? For me, it hasn't done a thing. I could sit here and find 10 (at least) things off the top of my head to be angry about, but this morning I realized that none are good enough reasons, and what would be the fun in staying angry all of the time.

I have been doing a lot of studying in the Bible. Reading scriptures, books and other study guides. I have been learning a lot. I wouldn't dare say I know a lot yet, but I am getting there, and what better a starting point than at the beginning?

Stop being angry. Turn away from fighting. Do not trouble yourself. It leads only to wrong-doing. Psalm 37:8

For so long now I have prayed, but never really "let go". My controlling instincts kick in and I feel like I NEED to be working on the things that I told God about. This morning I remembered this great poem that my mom had written on a simple cloth hanging in her bathroom for years.

You never did let go...

As children bring their broken toys
with tears for us to mend,

I brought my broken dreams to God,
because He was my Friend.

But then, instead of leaving Him
in peace to work alone,

I hung around and tried to help
with ways that were my own.

At last I snatched them back and cried,
"How can You be so slow?"

"My child," He said, "what could I do"
You never did let go."

-Unknown

This is me to a T. I never know how to let go. When it is dealings of my own, or within my family - I have great troubles just letting go.. and especially letting God.

My new goal, as of this morning is to let go and let God. I will try this. I will say this. When I feel angry, instead of simmering in the mood, I will let go, but not before I fall to my knees and tell God.

I have SO many things that I could pull out of a hat and be angry at/with. If I told you all of them, it would fill up this blog (which is eternally huge).

Another part of anger is acceptance, but more importantly - forgiveness.

If the one who hates you is hungry, feed him. If he is thirsty, give him water. If you do that, you will be making him more ashamed of himself, and the Lord will pay you. - Proverbs 25:21-22

Forgiveness rides right behind Anger on the big loud Harley. It taps you on the back and says, "Just let it go. Forgive them." But more times than not, you push that feelings right off the back of the bike. You rev the engine and you peel out down the angry highway.

If you forgive someone/thing, then you can stop being angry. Did you ever hear the story about the Amish community where a man walked into a school and killed several children? The first thing that the Amish did... They forgave this man and his family. They knew that there was nothing they could do in their power to this man, and they knew if they could forgive him that they could move on in their lives. While I watched this movie I thought, "NO WAY! I would be at this guys door with a shotgun!".... But within my new learning of the Word, and reading - I know why they forgave him.

When you stand to pray, if you have anything against anyone, forgive him. Then your Father in heaven will forgive your sins also. - Mark 11:25

This one spoke to me directly. Because I have a controlling bone (or several) in my body, I always feel that *I* need to be the one to punish someone. Boy, was I wrong. I actually learned this dealing with Evan's bullying situation. I did the right thing, and prayed about it. Now, this girl was punished correctly.

Do not say " I will punish wrongdoing". Wait on the Lord, and He will take care of it. - Proverbs 20:22

Now, I know that I will slip. But I am going to tuck this little virtual blog into a pocket and try VERY hard to remember it. Life is too short and too exciting to wallop in misery!

A God-like life gives us much when we are happy for what we have. - 1 Timothy 6:6

2010... Bittersweet

So I was telling Matt yesterday how BADLY I wanted the year 2010 to be over. How SO many awful things happened during the year.

But then I realized that some really great things have happened too, and why not think of it as at least a wash... A push. Tie.

In 2010....

• I became pregnant with my very first child... (January)+
• I lost my very first child at 8w6d... (February)-
• I found out that I had a blood sugar problem, and quickly started to take control-/+
• I married the man of my dreams. My soul mate! (March)+
  
• I became pregnant with my second child... (May)+
• I lost my second child at 13w...(August)-
• I found out that I had an adrenal problem and was put on medication to correct it-/+
• I have lost 30lbs! +
  

If you add up the + and the -, then obviously there were more moments of joy... But those - make the + marks almost invisible.

The only thing in the above list that makes any of 2010, was my wedding. Otherwise, I am SO incredibly happy that this year is drawing to an end. Usually I am in bed on New Year's Eve by 10pm... But this year, I will be up and celebrating the new 2011 year!

Here's to hoping that 2011 brings LOTS of joy and praise. Smiles and laughter. I chose to look forward, but always remember the past.

Hello world.. How ya been? Good to see you my old friend....

Wow! I need to just take a few relaxing breaths! Today was a BIG day. Believe it or not, I had a life changing doctor's appointment, went to the lab for blood work AND went to the dentist.. YES! All in ONE day. I'm unstoppable...

This blog may go back and forth and seem confusing, so please bare with me!

Before I get into everything from this morning, I will give you a little background. After I lost baby bean, my primary doctor ran some tests to see about hormones, PCOS and some other things. My DHEA (a hormone produced by the adrenal glands) was 2648 - with normal range being 100-700. I was sent for a CT scan of my adrenal glands and kidneys right away. Now, do any of you know what a hypochondriac is? Look it up and you will find a picture of me. During the CT I refused to have the iodine injection done because I was a wuss. I had to drink the redicat drink though. Gross. The doctor got the results and said I just had a few "nodes" on my kidneys/glands and she retested the DHEA, which came back at 185. She stopped looking into it and figured it was the vitamins I was on at the time and that they had DHEA in them. Well, she unfortunately was wrong.

Then came Jakob bean. Everything was going great in the pregnancy, with some minor issues. Then, it ended. After we lost Jakob, we were referred to an endocrinologist, who specializes in hormones/diabetes etc. She ran a TON of tests in early September. Last week I got a phone call from her nurse asking me to go get ANOTHER CT scan. Okay, time to be a wuss again! I told Matt "I don't want the injection!"... I didn't even care that something was wrong with my blood. Seriously, who does that? Me apparently! So, I called the nurse and told her that I had gotten a CT done back in May (thinking in my head the entire time "oh jeez, the doctor will see it and see that i didn't use the contrast and make me go for another one!") and where I had it done. She told me that she would pull it up and show the doctor, then call me back to let me know if she wanted me to repeat it. Oh and she also told me that my DHEA was 1465 and that my 17-Hydroxyprogesterone was elevated as well, and I believe it was cortisol. So, I waited, and God must have been in a good mood that day because when she called back she told me that the doctor said that there was no need for a repeat CT. PHEW!!! BUT, she said, "the doctor wants to see you right away"... Oh jeez. And this was on Friday. So ALL weekend I was like "what is IT?!". So this morning we went to see her. This lady is SO thorough and AWESOME! She went through every single blood test that she had me do and showed me if they were high or low. Everything was pretty normal except for the adrenal group, and that my bad cholesterol was perfect, but my good cholesterol was too low. Who would have though it could be too low?? I guess its possible.

So, she told me that she was diagnosing me with a defect called "Non Classic Congenital Adrenal Hyperplasia". Whoa. She said that mine is a VERY mild form, and there really is not treatment for someone who has a mild form, except Metformin (which is made for controlling blood sugar, but research has found it helps with ovulation and some other hormones), and birth control (to kind of stop and restart all of my hormones. NCCAH basically is a recessive defect that I got from a parent. Mine was not as an infant, and reared its ugly head as an adult, however some of the symptoms make me wonder if I have had it all along. If you are interested, please look it up on mayoclinic. It's a little embarrassing, but it will change my life completely, knowing that this is something I have, and why I have some things going on with my body. It does talk about people with this defect are more into "male" activities growing up (I played softball, never wore dresses, and was always up a tree) - are shorter as adults (even though we grow normally as adolescents) and some other things. Weight gain, some excess body/facial hair (no, I wasn't growing a beard!)..
Matt told me all last week, "She is going to tell you something life changing", and he was right. Nothing negative, or life threatening, but if you know all about NCCAH and Metformin, you will know that this will change my life.
I've been doing some research off and on all day and I have found that I CAN pass it to my child, and that amniocentesis or CVS testing is highly recommended and to be with a specialist/perinatal during the pregnancy.
She did give me a prescription for Metformin, and again, those of you that know me, and how much of a wuss I am - this was hard for me. I hate meds. I don't even take a lot of tylenol. Seriously. Matt practically had to yell at me over dinner to swallow it. I did it, and I am alive - shocking right?! :)
The main thing that got me to take the Metformin? She said that (and of course I looked when I got home) Metformin has been researched many times, and has been shown to PROTECT a pregnancy from miscarriage in the 1st trimester!!
Some of you have asked - and the doctor DOES NOT think that this diagnosis has anything to do with the 2 miscarriages, and that it was just back luck, bad blood sugar, and weight. I believe her. As awful as it sounds, I was kind of hoping that this would be the answer. I know for a fact that the first m/c was due to poor health/blood sugar. I have a feeling Jakob left us too early because of the sub chorionic hemorrhage. Will I ever know for sure? Not until I am kneeling at His feet. And I look forward to that day, because I know my two precious beans will be standing with Him.
The other good news... I am NOT diabetic!! YIPEE!! I have controlled it SO well, that she is NOT giving me a diagnosis. However, she did tell me that she was diagnosing me with "metabolic syndrome" - too much to explain, but you can read about it online. Basically means that my numbers are fine, but that my fasting plasma glucose is elevated, but all my other numbers are fine. My A1C after baby bean was 5.6 (.1 below pre diabetic range), this time it was 5.4! Going down is GOOD! She told me that I only need to check my blood once a week or so.

THE BEST NEWS...... I have lost 29 lbs since baby bean! With a LOT of hard work and determination, I am actually losing weight! I would love to lose another 15-20 lbs, and I know I can do it.

Thank you to EVERYONE who has supported us, prayed for us, or just thought about us. We truly appreciate it with all of our heart.

Without further ado, please enjoy this song - that has now become my lifes anthem, especially after today. The words just float around in my heart and make me feel love.

Las Vegas

In one of my previous posts I quickly wrote about how Matt and I were "sent" out of town after the miscarriage to get away. This weekend I am returning back to Vegas, and instead of it being the normal excitement, I am kind of scared and emotional.

Most people wouldn't just leave town 24 hours after having a natural miscarriage. If you have ever been through one, it hurts, and it hurts for awhile. After the miscarriage, Matt and I came home and slept nearly all day (since we were in the hospital nearly all night). We woke up and had dinner, and then went back to bed. The next morning my mom texted me and told me that she wanted to pay for us to get out of town for 2 nights. We were a little bit skeptical at first, but then decided it would be good to actually get away.

It did help. It kept our spirits a little bit higher than normal, and kept us busy. I was able to kind of just "escape". However, I was in pretty bad pain the entire time. I was also bleeding pretty heavily too. If we would have stayed home it would have been really hard just sitting around all day. So, getting away was great, but also sad. The night before we came home I actually cried for hours in our hotel room begging Matt to let us stay in Vegas forever. No, not for the buffets, but because I didn't want to return to our home, our life. Nobody knew what I was going through in Nevada. I could just be someone new for 2 days. Obviously, we couldn't stay in Las Vegas forever, and came home. I cried off and on all the way home... I wasn't ready to be answering questions, emails and texts about how I was feeling. I honestly, felt like shit.
Its been almost 6 weeks since we lost Jakob, but talking and thinking about certain things that have happened since then make it seem like it happened just yesterday. For awhile, it was like a dream, or a big blur. Hospitals, seeing our son lying in front of us, morphine, crying, sobbing, yelling, ultrasounds, blood tests. I am so Grateful to God for giving me those 13 short weeks with my son. I know someday I will get to hold him forever.
So, in a couple days I will go back to the hotel where I cried from pain, both physically and mentally. It might sound funny, but it kind of makes me feel like I am going to be closer to Jakob there.
No updates to give on my medical side yet. I see the nutritionist next week, the dentist the following week (UGH!) and then I see the endo Dr again a few weeks after that. I hope she can give us some answers.

His Work. His Plan. His Name.

I know I just posted a blog before this one. But, I had to share this wonderful, glorious story with you all.

As you know, we named our son Jakob. - I wanted to use a biblical name, but to me, Jacob didn't have a very strong meaning... Until tonight. Has anyone ever said to you "It's in His plan"? "God has a plan for everyone"...? Well, when I first heard it, after losing two children I kind of thought, okay, yeah, sure. I have always been a Christian, but borderline bandwagon one. I prayed, I attended Church. I asked for Forgiveness. I prayed before a scary blood test, or exam... But I never GOT it. Until tonight. And through my son Jakob, I see His plan.

His plan was for me to become a believer. To become a Child of His. To learn Faith. And His plan worked.

I have been reading online, all night, about The Story of Jacob. God REALLY does work in mysterious ways.

Here, the writer on this website kind of used a "Reader's Digest" form of writing the story of Jacob, but that's all I needed. This one sentence. It was all it took.

"Jacob is not a special case--he is a picture of all of us. All of us struggle with God."

Wow. I was so angry with God after each miscarriage, and I even threatened him. I threatened to be a non believer. I thought, if this is your plan, then I'm out... He held tough, and He held me. He named our son Jacob, and guided me to learning more about Him, and Jacob in the bible.

I can't even explain how I feel right now. Epiphany? I think that word works. Here is more about what I read, and how much it is related to me, my life and how I have been feeling:

God had a will for Jacob's life and made promises to him pertaining to that will, but Jacob had been stubbornly resisting God's leadership at every step.

After wrestling all night, God dislocated Jacob's thigh with a touch (32:25). This showed Jacob who he was fighting with (someone with immense power who could easily beat him), and that this was a picture. God had been taking progressively more drastic steps (Esau; Laban; Esau) to teach Jacob to abandon his self-sufficiency and trust him.

Now crippled, Jacob can only hang on to God--a picture of his proper relationship with God. Now that Jacob's tenacity is expressed in a dependent posture, God blesses him (probably reiterates the Promise) and renames him to cleanse him from his old ways ("supplanter;" "deceiver") and give him a new identity to live up to ("one who strives effectively with God"). God has always been willing to bless Jacob. He has only been waiting for Jacob to ask with a trusting, dependent heart.

Jacob learned the lesson. The next morning, he dropped his elaborate and self-protective plan with Esau and instead passed ahead of everyone to meet him directly (33:3), trusting God's promise to protect him. He discovered that Esau had forgiven him, and he went on to supply godly leadership for his family.

God works through suffering and adversity to teach us our need to depend on him. Because the problem isn't merely misinformation about God, the solution requires more than simply learning that God loves you and has a wonderful plan for your life. Since the problem is deeply-rooted self-sufficiency, God works to "break" this through adversity.

I've been in tears for awhile now. I am so excited that He has shown me. Not often does He come right out and point the way, or show you why he does something. This time, He did. My life from this point on, will never be the same.

And I have my son Jakob to Thank. So thank you little bean, for showing mommy the Way. The Truth and The Light. You are my reason, and I am so blessed to have carried you for such a short time. I love you so much little man, and I can't wait to see you! Mama's gonna be alright. :)

Miracles.

So, I have this song that I listen to a LOT. Even though it's a man singing, and he talks about his wife, the main reasoning behind the song just reminds me of me from time to time. I talk to God a lot. I tell him things, I get angry with him, and he lets me. I cry to him, and ask him why.... And he always listens. Sometimes, he is all the solace that I have. I get to just talk to him. It's really one of the most comforting and calming things that I find works... Anyway, the song is called "The man I want to be" by Chris Young.. Yes, I am aware of the fact that I do not have a penis, but the meaning of the song is great! ;)

I read a book on miscarriage/child loss a few weeks ago, and I have been stuck thinking about something the author (also a Dr.) wrote, and it has helped some. Probably, someone who has not lost a child, or miscarried, or had a perfect pregnancy might not understand. Someone who hasn't read the book "A Child Is Born" might not get it either.... But the author wrote that the crazy thing about pregnancy is NOT miscarriages, or infant loss. It's actually the fact that anyone can even have a child born into this world, perfect. If you have read a lot about pregnancy, and how it all works (I'm talking splitting cells, genetics, chromosomes, attachment, bloods, vessels, etc) you will know that what he says is SO true. The amount of miracles involved in growing a child in your womb, from conception to birth is such an amazing task, that really, its a miracle that anyone has children who are born perfect! In talking with some close friends today, and reading other people's blogs on child loss, it really is true. There are SO many woman in this world who cannot get pregnant, or once they do have problems. SO many things have to be so perfect in order to grow a child.

I have a heavy heart for a friend today. She has been through infant loss, and is pregnant again... However, her numbers are not going up like they should. I cannot imagine the sadness, and anger she may be feeling. I pray for her constantly, and hope God will show her that He is with her throughout all of this.

I have also been so amazed and happy and grateful for God putting so many caring people in my life. Like I said in a previous blog, a friend of mine sent me (or had her bf drop off ;)) a necklace for me. It has not come off of my neck since I got it. I love when people ask about it. I love spreading my story. Another friend, who I fortunately (or unfortunately, I guess given the circumstances) met after my first miscarriage (and she lost her newborn son) - is sending me something too. The "baby loss" club is huge and massive, but I think more woman can relate than I ever expected. These woman know exactly how you feel. They know saying things don't help. But, knowing they are there for you helps.. a lot. Thank you God for delivering so many people into my life, in Your name.

He's my son

Since we found out that we had a son, it was only perfect that we named him. We had a lot of boy names picked out, but we decided that we would not use any of the original names we picked.

Jakob has a name now. Now, we can talk about Jakob, and remember him by name. It feels so right, and so calming to use a name for him.

Just thought I would share that we have named our son, who now walks with our Lord.

We love and miss you Jakob! We would be finding out that you were a boy this week! 16 whole weeks have gone by since we found out we were pregnant with you.

Psalm 139:13-14

For you created my inmost being;

you knit me together in my mother’s womb.

I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;

your works are wonderful,

I know that full well.

Birthday

Today was 'Baby Bean's' due date. I remember back in January when I found out I was pregnant that September 4th seemed SO far away...

Today I should have been feeding and snuggling a new baby. Or, today I should have been so done being pregnant and ready to meet the little bean.

I received a beautiful gift from a longtime friend last night, and it was perfect. It's a silver necklace with a silver pendant of a mother and two children standing in a circle, holding each other. It was probably the most thoughtful thing anyone has done for me, after losing my two beans. I am so in love with it, and will always cherish it, and the friend who thought of me when she saw it. Love you Kristene!

On the plus side - I went shopping with my mom today at old navy and have dropped 3 sizes since March! Since March, I have lost 27 lbs. My goal is to lose another 25 before we are pregnant again. I know I can do it, because I lost the first 27 without wanting to kill myself!

God is great, and so are the people in my life. <3

My Name - By George Canyon

This is the song I wrote about. It's breathtaking. Honestly, when I listen to it, my stomach aches, as my heart. BUT, it gives me something to hold onto. This song is amazing.
It's sung as though the baby is talking... That's what kills me the most about it.

It’s cold in here feels like everything’s upside down
I can feel you talking but I can barely make out the sound
I've been kickin' around these parts, feels like a year
I’m gonna change this world if I ever get out of here
She wants to dress me in pink, paints my bedroom blue
And I just laugh to myself, cause only I know the truth
This love is my only emotion
Haven’t learned any fear any pain
It’s kind of funny with all this commotion
I guess they’ve got me to blame
They don’t even know my name
They don’t even know my name

Well I’ve never felt so ready, think it’s finally time
Cause that big old world is waiting, and it’s mine all mine
Just then everything got real quiet, it got real bright
And a man took my hand said don’t worry, Mommas gonna be alright
Then he opened the gates and I followed him in
Said you can wait right here till it’s your turn again
And his love is the one true emotion
Heaven knows no fear no pain
I never got to set my wheels in motion
They loved me just the same
And they didn't even know my name
Didn’t even know my name
You loved me just the same
And you didn’t even know my name

Answers.. Or lack thereof!

Today I had another Dr appt to make sure my Hcg was dropping. In one week it went from 101 to now, 22. I have to get ANOTHER blood draw next week. I am hoping that it's below 5, because I am tired of being in the lab every week, for something that is no longer.

While at the Dr. today, he told me that the anatomy side of the pathology report had come in. My baby, was a boy. I was carrying a son. I sobbed all the way home from the appt. It kind of made it more real. The baby had absolutely nothing wrong with him, physically. He was developed to exactly where he should have been, 13 weeks. I guess they sent a portion of his liver, lungs and umbilical cord to be tested as well, but I don't know what the answers/findings are with those yet. I had a feeling I was having a boy, but just hearing it/reading it made it all too real.

Tomorrow, September 4th, is my first unborn child's due date. I'm not really sure how I feel about it being here already, or how I will feel when I wake up tomorrow, but I will remember that my two children are with the Lord now, in a better place.

I found a song the other day that I wish I would have found a long time ago. It's called My Name and it's by George Canyon. He is a country Christian singer who wrote a song about child-loss for a friend who had been through it. Amazing song, and so very bittersweet.

Yesterday was my last day of work at the daycare, and my mom cried. I did too, but hid it. She is amazing and has done SO much for me, but I didn't leave because of her. Emotionally, it was too hard. So last night Matt and I rearranged what would have been our baby nursery, and turned it in to an office for me. I will be doing full time, from home. I pray I can keep this family afloat. Working from home is great, but sometimes you have to really push yourself to get to work, instead of staying in bed. Being in this room is okay. I am not too sad about it, and being in here kind of makes me feel closer to my little beans.

Changes

So, today Matt went in to the hospital for an endoscopy. Everything went smoothly, and the Dr. only found a few "sores" on his stomach. He said they could be from all of his medication, or something else. Apparently, they are going to do pathology on the biopsied sores. He was really out of it and sleepy when he got out of the procedure. The Dr. said that he had to take extra meds in order to "fall asleep". I hate being at that hospital, and I hate when he has to go in for procedures. All bad memories.

For the last few days, since returning to work, I have been having major anxiety. Matt thinks I went back to work too soon. Me, on the other hand, think I went back to the wrong line of work. I have been working for my mom at her licensed daycare for over a year and a half now. Everything was great about the job, until I started losing my babies. Going back after each one has been hard to deal with. This time, when I went back, there were 3 new baby girls. Every night I would tell Matt "I don't want to go to work". I had been going to work all along, and enjoying it, but now it is just too hard to deal with.

I told my mom I would be quitting today, and she was a little mad at first, but then was very understanding and happy for me. The problem is, I have no job to take its place. Honestly, right now, I have no interest in working at all. I don't want to sit at home and do nothing, but I don't want to be out with the real world yet, either. We decided that since I am so familiar with ebay, that I will give it another shot. This time full time. I might not make as much as I did at daycare, but I will still be bringing in some money, all the while being able to be at home.

Since Evan has come home we have had some pretty major issues with him, personality/attitude wise and have been working very hard at fixing/adjusting him. For Matt and I to both be home full time, will give us the chance to work one on one with Evan and tackle his needs.

I'm hoping God has led me to making this scary choice, and will help continue our strengthening. I think it will be a good bonding experience as well. I look forward to being home, but I also have major worries about making money and keeping us afloat.

Not much

Not much on my mind this morning... Which is a relaxing feeling. Today I venture out back to work after being off since August 6th. I was put on bed rest back then for the bleeding, hoping to return to work not much long after that, but then ended up miscarrying. I work with my mom, so it will be a comforting thing going back. She took great care of me, and I know she will continue, too.

Last night I was in the shower and was telling Matt that I actually felt completely back to normal - hormone wise. It was a great feeling actually. Of course I would do/give anything to be nauseated and bloated still, but since I can't be, I will take the feelings of feeling totally normal again.

I just can't get over how resilient your brain and heart are. When you are in despair, you feel like you want to stay there, to stay sad to remember the one you lost. Like if you keep those emotions going, you will be able to remember longer or something. Your body doesn't allow it! In fact, I feel more of a person/adult having gone through what I have. Happier... Stronger! Your prayers for my strength were heard! Amen!!

God is amazing. As much as I was angry with Him before, I know now that He has a plan. I walk with Him and talk with Him and know He will guide us down the road we need to be on.

Have a great week everyone!!

The Quilt Holes

My mom forwarded this to me and it really feels like it was written for me. Beautiful...

As I faced my Maker at the last judgment, I knelt before the Lord along with all the other souls.

Before each of us laid our lives like the squares of a quilt in many piles; an angel sat before each of us sewing our quilt squares together into a tapestry that is our life.

But as my angel took each piece of cloth off the pile, I noticed how ragged and empty each of my squares were. They were filled with giant holes. Each square was labeled with a part of my life that had been difficult, the challenges and temptations I was faced with in everyday life. I saw hardships that I endured, which were the largest holes of all.

I glanced around me. Nobody else had such squares. Other than a tiny hole here and there, the other tapestries were filled with rich color and the bright hues of worldly fortune. I gazed upon my own life and was disheartened.

My angel was sewing the ragged pieces of cloth together, threadbare and empty, like binding air.

Finally the time came when each life was to be displayed, held up to the light, the scrutiny of truth. The others rose; each in turn, holding up their tapestries. So filled their lives had been. My angel looked upon me and nodded for me to rise.

My gaze dropped to the ground in shame. I hadn't had all the earthly fortunes. I had love in my life and laughter. But there had also been trials of illness and wealth, and false accusations that took from me my world, as I knew it. I had to start over many times. I often struggled with the temptation to quit, only to somehow muster the strength to pick up and begin again. I spent many nights on my knees in prayer, asking for help and guidance in my life.. I had often been held up to ridicule, which I endured painfully, each time offering it up to the Father in hopes that I would not melt within my skin beneath the judgmental gaze of those who unfairly judged me.

And now, I had to face the truth… My life was what it was, and I had to accept it for what it was.

I rose and slowly lifted the combined squares of my life to the light.

An awe-filled gasp filled the air. I gazed around at the others who stared at me with wide eyes.

Then, I looked upon the tapestry before me. Light flooded the many holes, creating an image, the face of Christ. Then our Lord stood before me, with warmth and love in His eyes. He said, 'Every time you gave over your life to Me, it became My life, My hardships, and My struggles.

Each point of light in your life is when you stepped aside and let Me shine through, until there was more of Me than there was of you.'

Just like I thought...

...Life moves on. Without any explanation, reason or cause - your heart and brain are miraculous organs. They mend. They bounce back and allow you to love, have strength and positivity back into your life. Three days ago, I didn't want them back yet. Today is a new day, and today I feel almost great!

At first, I was very angry with God. I couldn't understand why he wanted to have TWO of my unborn children. I wanted both, but Him taking one would have been understandable, but both...? When do *I* get to have one?! It may sound selfish, and in fact it probably was, but when you are a grieving mother to two unborn children, you become this way by instinct. Now, I am okay with it... Not just because I can't have them back, but because I know that He DOES have a plan. Something positive WILL come from this, and one day I will get to meet my 2 little beans, where they live happily and worry free now. I take heart and great solace in knowing that they are together, loving each other and watching over us down here. My little beans get to be in the best place forever!

My heart aches, as most moms hearts would. When I was pregnant with my first bean, we decided to decorate the nursery/baby room with sock monkey stuff. I had bought every color sock monkey from Target and locked them up tight in a ziploc, waiting to start decorating. The day never came, as I lost that bean too early. I did however take out one of the sock monkeys and slept with it ever since. It brought great comfort. The connection was just like that of a little kid with their blanket, pacifier or stuffed bear. I never felt silly for sleeping with it and always had to have it near by. After this loss, Matt was lying with me in bed and said "You know what helped you through the first loss was "baby bean" (we named the sock monkey this) and you have 3 more beans in the room to pick another one from". He brought me the bag and I picked out the red sock monkey. Now, I have baby bean and August bean sleeping with me. As much as I love the sock monkeys and find joy in their comfort, our bed isn't big enough for many more "beans"! But, I do love them, and they mean so much to me. They "fall asleep" with me every night. I don't care how silly that sounds, it works. And I am all for anything that can help me sleep through the night, and anything that can make my heart feel closer to the two children I will not meet for awhile.

Today I had another Dr appt. My Hcg level went from over 27k last week to a mere 101 this week. This is good. (TMI WARNING) This means that everything associated with the pregnancy/baby, exited my body and nothing was left over. I still need to do another level test, because the Dr's want to see it between 0-5. Last pregnancy that Dr told me that I was not immune to Rubella and I would need a booster. When I saw my primary Dr before this pregnancy, she got an approval for the booster, but I ended up getting pregnant that month so had to wait on the shot. Today I asked the Dr for the booster and he pulled my labs and said I WAS immune to rubella. My level was 16, and anything about 9 is immune. Go figure? But, whatever.. I am all for not getting poked with anymore yucky needles! He also referred me to an endocrinologist in hopes of finding out some kind of answers. This Dr deals with hormonal issues and blood sugar stuff, which apparently, is right up my alley! My OB Dr was also worried about the fact that my mom had an incompetent cervix for 3 of her pregnancies and had to be stitched and on bed rest every time. He told me that next time I need to be in with an OB/GYN specialist BEFORE I get pregnant.

Matt and I decided that we won't try again until we have some kind of answer, and if we don't get on of those, then until I lose more weight, and our Dr gives us the "ok". This will probably be hard for me, but I know it's what's best. I would like to wait to try again until at least next Jan/Feb. This will give me 5-6 months of healing/healthy time. I know I am terrified to try again, but I also know that in my heart, a baby is what I want. It's all I have ever wanted. But, I will relax and Pray and let God guide us this time.

Thank you again to everyone who sent messages, texts, phone calls and everything else. I feel truly loved. Most importantly to my mom, and my husband. My mom paid our bills, made us dinner and bought the things we needed. She even paid me for every week of work that I missed. She sent us out of town for 2 nights to get away from the "trauma" of our home. She paid for everything on our trip and didn't ask for a dime in return. She had the best and most comforting words that anyone has ever told me. My husband... Where/how did I get so lucky to have found a man like him. The man who saw every gory thing during my 2 miscarriages. Who sat and rubbed my back through every pain/contraction and tear. Told me the things that I wanted/needed to hear. Never left my side. How can I repay both of these amazing people? How can words ever be enough for my gratefulness? I thank God for these people every day!

Emotions

Yesterday was an awful day... I had my first complete and total meltdown. I feel like I cannot cope with life and moving forward. I want to just stay in today and not move forward. Moving forward means moving on with life, and without my little bean. I want so bad for my bean to be back inside of me, growing and moving. I know I cannot get it back, and that even wishing it is pointless, but I cannot help it. This time around is so much harder than the first time. How do you pick yourself up and move on? I feel guilty for moving forward. Life really is not fair. At all. How do you even say that you want to "try again". Trying again means risking it all again. Creating a life, and risking the chance of it ending too soon. Life is so fragile, so insecure. Matt worked so hard when we first met to help me rid myself of all of my anxiety and insecurities. In one day, it was like nothing changed. I cannot be alone without him, or without him near me touching me. He has done everything to keep me somewhat calm, and relaxed, but on a dime - my emotions change. My bleeding has finally started to slow down, but my breasts won't stop leaking. The milk that was meant to be for my child. In a little over a week, my first child's due date will arrive (Sept. 4th) and I'm sure it will be a day of sadness. I just keep thinking that my Strength will return, but every morning when I wake up, I slowly remember that hell that has been the last week. I find myself rubbing my belly, just to remember that there is nothing inside anymore. I have to relive everything that happened, every time I wake up. I used to be able to sleep so easily and quickly, now it's hard because I know that when I wake up, I have to remember everything. Hopefully, one day soon I will be able to wake up and have a full day without feeling so guilty and sorry for myself...

There are no words...

On August 17th, around 10pm, I gave birth to the most beautiful, perfect little baby I have ever seen.... 6 months too early.

Like my previous blog stated, I had started to have small contractions early morning on Aug. 17th and went to the ER, where I was told that my baby had a heartbeat of 153bpm, but was fully engaged, and later I read in the reports that I was dilated to 3.8cm. I came home and prayed, hard. God had other plans that day, because later that night, my little bean came into the world sleeping.

My heart hurts, and my eyes sting as I write this, but I didn't want to wait because I want to keep a journal of our journey.

I came home and slept for several hours, all the while having nightmares, and scary thoughts, and worsening contractions. Just like the first miscarriage (which I was stupid to try and do from home this time considering I was 13 weeks, and not 9 like last time) the contractions started to progress around 9pm, and the sac ruptured. I knew that at that point, my chances of having a full pregnancy were over and it was time for this baby to come into the world.

Around 10pm, the contractions were coming every 45 seconds and bad. Again, like last time, Matt was with me the entire time and took great care of me as I prepared to deliver our sleeping child. I ended up sitting on the toilet because I felt the most comfortable there. The contractions were so bad, and so painful this time, that I really thought I was going to die. I knew I was in trouble when I started telling Matt that "I can't do this anymore"... I stood up for a second, then sat right back down because my body was too weak. All of the sudden, my world started to blur, I was seeing stars and I felt I had no control of my body. I just kept saying "call 911" and "here I go" (I was going to pass out). I had bled through about 4 pads in an hour, which was extremely dangerous. Our lovely LV paramedics showed up and saved me. Right before I got up to get on the gurney, I felt something pass, but not completely.

I was brought to the ER, where I was started on IVs. I told the nurse something was "stuck" and she took a look and told me it was the baby. My baby. My dream... was over. I looked at our little bean for a long time. Looked just like a baby, just very small (about 5-6" long). The only thing physically that didnt look fully developed was that it's eyes were still the black dots. But my baby had fingers, toes, ears, lips... I could see its little ribs through its skin. A perfectly round head, a little tiny belly. The most beautiful little bean I have ever seen. Before I left my bean at the hospital, I said my goodbyes and looked at it one more time. This time I looked closer, and saw that this baby had the exact same lip shape as Matt and Evan. Their top lips protrude and point out in the middle. This baby was going to look like it's big brother.

The nurses were VERY sweet, and I was in my own private room in the ER, where I had privacy. I ended up passing everything else, and had a pelvic exam and then sent home. The pain was so much more intense this time than the last time that I ended up accepting morphine from the hospital. It helped, SO much. My final diagnosis: Premature labor, resulting in miscarriage.

My bean stayed at the hospital to be tested by pathology. The OB specialist told me that it didn't make much sense that my body was ending the pregnancy, and that it would probably end up being a problem with me (thyroid, fibrosis, etc). I was tested for cycstic fibrosis with the first pregnancy, and thyroid a few months ago and none came back positive. So, only time will tell.

Some of my friends have asked why they couldnt stop it or stitch me. Well, when you are already dilated to almost 4cm and the baby is engaged, there is no stopping it. Sometimes I wonder if I went in earlier the night before if they could have helped, but there is no second guessing. My HCG went from over 32,000 to 27,000 in about a week. My guilt, anger, sadness and rage are so elevated that it's hard for me to talk to anyone. When I start to talk to Matt, I lose it. My anxiety came rushing back, and also my insecurities. I feel like my world makes no sense anymore. I hear some of my friends telling me they've, or someone they know lost babies, 2, 6, 1, and to stay positive. I don't care who you are, you are not positive, and honestly, your Faith is brought down a few notches too after losing 2 babies within 6 months. This one is so much harder. My baby was growing, and had a perfect little beating heart. MY body decided it was time to finish the pregnancy. Again, the guilt is so hard to deal with. I just want to scream and rip my skin off.

As if all of this wasn't bad enough, apparently, at 13 weeks, your boobs have prepared for feeding. It feels like there are sacks of rocks in my boobs and they are rock hard, and hurt badly. I've also had milk leaking out since last night. That, on top of the awful cramping and bleeding, make this so much harder.

I know in time my heart may mend, but it will always have 2 spots that hurt and ache for the babies that Matt and I created. Right now, I don't even want to think about trying again. My fear of having this happen a 3rd time, is so high that thinking about getting pregnant again is completely out of my mind.

Thank you so much for all of your texts, emails and comments. It means a lot knowing that I have such an amazing group of family and friends. Please continue to pray for my Strength, and Faith in this awfully sad time.

I hope to be back chatting with friends and responding the texts within a week or two. Right now, I can only handle talking to my mom and Matt, and writing in this blog.