Saturday, February 27, 2010

Our wedding and honeymoon and more...

So last year Matt and I were at Sunset Station (where we stay and love in Las Vegas) and had SO many issues with our rooms and service. We didn't complain, but the resort sent us one of those surveys. We filled it out and didn't have our normal satisfactory reviews. A few days later we received an email from the Director of Hotel Operations regarding our survey. We emailed a few times, and actually had a reservation made to go back. Matt's health took a dive and we had to cancel our trip. We decided to book our honeymoon there because we had an offer for 4 free nights. So we booked it and then I sent this woman an email regarding our upcoming stay. I never heard back from her, so being the persistent woman that I am, emailed her again last night. She wrote back and said she had left to another Station Resort, but was forwarding my information to the new director of H.O. I thought nothing about it, and didn't think I would hear anything from them again. Well, this afternoon I had an email from him and he was SO courteous and nice, and told us that he knows their staff will take great care of us, and that he took the liberty of upgrading our room to a King Suite!!! We were just talking the other day about how cool it would have been to be able to stay in a suite with one of those jacuzzi tubs! We are SO excited! Our honeymoon will be one that we never forget!

We are still on the hunt for our Taco Man! I got a lot of numbers, never thinking there would be SO many Taco Men! Hopefully we can find one who is available soon. Tomorrow we are going to get Evan and Matt their tuxedos! I can't wait to see them all decked out and spiffed up!

Everything is coming together so perfectly, again, letting me know this is exactly where I am supposed to be, and with who I am supposed to be. I love my life. With everything that is going on, I wouldn't change ANYTHING for ANYONE!

I am healing pretty well from the miscarriage, but can't get rid of these awful cramps! I hope they go away within a few days, because they HURT! I still can't believe I went through everything I did on Wednesday night. It's like a scary, foggy dream. Glad it's over, but I will never forget!

It hailed today! This rain is amazing. Amazing as it is, I hope it leaves soon! I'm SO over it. I am definitely a California, flip flops, shorts and tank top girl! I can't wait for the summer..

Tonight I will be praying for everyone in Chile, and Hawaii. Godspeed to all of the survivors and victims.

Thursday, February 25, 2010

The men of my dreams...

Well, despite the fact that I am pissed off that I went and deleted my post describing my night last night, I am going to write ANOTHER blog! :) I'm on a roll today, aren't I? All of your comments inspired me to write again!

Basically if you read my blog this morning that got deleted, you would know that I started to miscarry last night. It was a very interesting, confusing and painful experience, that really, I didn't expect. Things happened that I didn't even bother to THINK would happen. I really just thought I would have what was like a "heavy" period. Wrong. I went into labor. I had contractions for 7 hours, and lost fluid, and then passed the baby. We will be having a ceremony for our Angel.

However, this blog is for the 2 men in my life who mean SO much to me. Matt and Evan. Evan will be 11 years old on March 3rd, basically going on 18. He is the most mature 11 year old I know. We were very open with him about the entire pregnancy loss. He was SO devastated the day we found out that the embryo had demised. He sobbed over me in bed for an hour. We explained a little bit about what a miscarriage is.

Last night when Matt got home, he sat with me while we ate dinner (which I puked up later!) and as soon as I had a contraction (minor ones during dinner), he rubbed my back every time. He needed a shower, and put me to bed. He had Evan come in and sit next to me on the bed and told Evan to rub my back every time I started to cry. It was wonderful having him near me during this time. Then, when Matt got out of the shower, he took over and was the most soothing, and comforting person I have ever known. Every single contraction, every move I made, he was there. He stood over me while I was on the toilet and rubbed my head, hair, and face. He never, ever left my side. And never once acted like it was gross, or over him to help me. When my contractions were 3 minutes apart, I seriously thought I was going to die! He kept me alive (in my eyes), and okay.

Going through what I did last night, with Matt, just concretes the reasons why I will be becoming Mrs. Hudak on March 20th. And I look forward to being a real mom to his son, Evan as well.

I will keep blogging, for as long as I can. I hope soon, its blogs about a healthy, well baby and pregnancy. I am SO much stronger now, with having this experience that I feel like I can get through anything!!!

Our Angel 2/26/2010

Because someone got offended or thought the previous post was too personal, I deleted it. How can someone say that a TRUE LIFE detail is too personal? People on my facebook are people who like me, I like them and not anyone that I WOULDN'T want reading my blog (however, there is 1 person who I was wrong about). Writing this blog, sharing it, and having comments are what helped me get through all of this mess. Miscarriages happen... To a LOT of people. Maybe I was too graphic? What is this, a G movie? You want me to sugar coat everything for you? Real things happen. People have loss of pregnancies. How else would you like me to explain it? Whoever you are, that got offended - DON'T READ IT. If you don't like that I am writing about it, DON'T READ IT. It's really as simple as that. I don't buy/read car magazines because I don't like them. Everyone has a right to choose what they want and don't want to read. I don't know why this makes me so upset.. I guess it has to do with the fact that I feel like now I have to hide my real life stories and shove them down inside. That story was a document of my life yesterday, that I would have been able to remember forever.

I guess the updated blog should just say that "Our Angel Child - 2.24.2010".

To all of you people who are strong, and read my blogs and love me for them and say really great things... THANK YOU. It's you guys who (besides my family) got me through this very sad, emotional and dark time in my life. I <3 you all.

Sunday, February 21, 2010

Sometimes things just don't work out as planned...

I decided to continue this blog... Things in life happen, and I can't just forget about them, I have to deal with them. Also, some people want to know what's happening, or how I am. I figured continuing the blog can help me walk through this, and let other people know how I am doing. If you don't want to read it, don't.

Let me go back to February 5th... My Dr. ran a GTT test on me super early because I had told him that another Dr. once told me I may be diabetic. I bombed the GTT test, failing 3 out of the 4 tests (badly). After he got the results, he referred me to Perinatal Services. They called the next day, and on Friday the 5th I had an appt., including an ultrasound. Now before we even went, I kept asking my mom and Matt about "what happens if they don't see a heartbeat today?". Maybe I kind of had a feeling (mother's intuition??), or maybe I was just nervous. We went into the room, and there was a U/S machine, and another TV monitor on the wall, that broadcasted the U/S. The tech did an abdominal and we got to see the baby. I asked her where the heartbeat was, and she said "we will probably have to do a vaginal". Then, the Dr. comes in. Never introduced herself, and said "Your dad has Factor V?!". I said "No... The babies dad (and pointed to Matt)". She almost seemed mad at me because of the Factor V, and also my GTT results. Very unpleasant and NO bedside manner. Then SHE did an abdominal and still no heartbeat. She didn't say anything, had me empty my bladder, and then started the vaginal. About 10 minutes later, she had me sit up and said "The baby stopped growing about a week ago, and there is no heartbeat. Your baby has died". I lost it. All I ever wanted was to have a child of my own.. I was balling. I don't think I have ever cried so hard. Before this woman left the room, she had the nerve to tell me to "get your diabetes under control before you try again"...!!!!!

WOW! Don't you think I WOULD have done ANYTHING to keep my unborn child safe?! Who says that? And she wasnt even my DR!!! She asked whether I wanted to go see my Dr right then, or wait until Monday. I just wanted to go home. Matt was my rock that day, and has been since then. He kept me upright, fed, bathed and breathing. You never understand the heartbreak of losing a child, born or not, until you go through it (and I hope NO ONE has to go through it!). The entire weekend was a blur. I was up at 4am each morning, and don't remember anything. At any moment, I would break down. I was fragile.

So, on Monday morning we set out to our amazing Dr.'s office to find out what was going on. He never once fed us false hope, but Matt and I definitely had plenty of it (you have to!). He said that he would never tell me to get a D&C, and that would be his last resort. I decided I wanted to wait it out and for it to naturally happen. He told us that within a week, if it didn't start, he would send us for another U/S.

Well, Tuesday came...Wednesday..Thursday... Nothing. We made it a week and a half to our next appt., and by this time we were FULL of hope. I mean, I still had all of my symptoms. Just maybe!! Well, the following Thursday arrived, and we went to see our Dr. He said that there is always a chance of a mistake, and he thought it was taking too long to happen naturally. He sent me for a U/S that morning. Another agonizing hour... This place wouldnt show me anything or tell me anything. I asked the tech at the end if she could tell me anything, and she said "No, call your Dr.". Well, duh... If she would have seen something positive, she would have shown me, or let me listen. Crap. All of our hopes were gone. I walked out and told Matt that I didn't know anything. We were SO confused.

Meanwhile, we had a wedding to plan! I came home and decided that I would be okay with whatever God decided would be. I started to work on our invites... Then around 2pm Matt asked me if I wanted him to call for me. YES! I was too scared. He called and talked to our Dr. who said that the baby measured the exact same size as the last U/S (8 1/2 weeks), and that I showed swelling on my uterus, which means your body is preparing to expel (kind of like right before you have your period). He said that if I don't start to bleed in a week, he will prescribe "the pill". I had heard the entire conversation (from our side), and was so heartbroken. Matt walked in and just held me. I lost it.. again. I had done so well staying strong and hopeful that last week and a half, that I thought I would be able to handle the news. Not quite. The Dr. said that basically there is no way to know, but either there was a genetic issue, or because of a systemic illness (diabetic), that is what caused the miscarriage. We will never know. At first I blamed myself... But then I realized I couldn't. I didn't know I had a blood sugar issue. It took getting pregnant to get insurance. Sometimes, small miracles do happen. Without this pregnancy, I would have probably not found out that diabetes was an issue. Now, I can manage it, and move on. Thanks to my Angel Baby.

The official name for my miscarriage is a missed miscarriage and embryonic demise. The baby stopped growing and lost the heartbeat, but my body continues like it is still pregnant (hence the symptoms remaining). I am in no rush to D&C or get this over with. I will wait. If I get an infection then I will have to do something, but for now, I am doing it naturally. I was told it could take up to 6 weeks from demise to start bleeding. It's now been almost 4 weeks. It scares me, but it also makes me THAT much stronger.

Since finding out all of this (blood problem), Matt and I have been walking 2-3 miles a day, and my eating habits have completely changed. I have lost almost 15 lbs since January. My sugar levels have been amazing, which we don't understand either, but it could be just from eating right, no carbs, no sugar.

So, here I am waiting... and waiting. Ready to move on, but remembering what is happening, and will happen. I know some of you might think this is too much personal information. But what if someone else is going through this, and can read it and feel comfort? If I can help one person, I will.

I have also learned through this experience that times like these show you how REAL your friends are, and also brings out the REAL character in people. Wow. I have some pretty amazing friends and family. And I also know who is talking to me for other reasons. Pretty sad, but you live, you learn, right?

This blog will continue, because Matt and I will try again. :) We have Faith in God, and know that he will provide us with what we can handle.