Thursday, November 25, 2010

I remember....

So, today I realized that it wasn't only Thanksgiving. 9 months ago, to the day - I lost my first Baby Bean. The memories of that night are still like a movie playing in my mind. That entire week. As we prepared for our wedding, knowing that our baby was no longer alive inside of me. I sat and wrote out our invitations, all the while hoping, praying, dealing with God that the little Bean inside of me would actually be alive. I remember the first u/s and the baby measuring a week behind. I remember how little I knew about u/s monitors and how I should have been seeing a flutter, movement. I remember being told that our baby had died. I remember being 9 weeks and 6 days that day. I remember going for a 2nd ultrasound, "just to make sure" and then coming home and sitting on the living room floor and writing addresses on our invites. I remember Matt going into the bedroom to call the Dr. to hear about the ultrasound. I remember him saying "Are you sure?"...... By the time Matt got to me in the living room I was in a ball on the floor. He picked me up and held me for a very long time. I remember that same night, the miscarriage (bleeding) started, but didn't actually miscarry until about a week later. I remember burying our baby in the ground. I remember how awful I felt, but how optimistic I felt too. I thought that it was just the random "one time" deal.

I remember marrying the most amazing, loving and handsome man ever. I remember Matt crying during our vows. I remember all of the love we received from our family and friend that day. I remember leaving for our 5 nights in Las Vegas and having the most AMAZING time.

I remember coming home and I remember being so eager to try again. I had lost about 15 lbs and I thought I would breeze through the next pregnancy....

I remember knowing the exact day we conceived, and just knowing that we would be getting a positive pregnancy test. I felt SO ready. I felt SO happy. And of course, two weeks later I got my big fat positive. I remember how much I loved our new Bean. I remember Matt not wanting to get attached. I remember how sick I was for weeks. I would do it again for 9 months if I had to.

I remember making it to our 8 week Dr appointment. I remember waking up to shower that morning and finding blood. I remember my meltdown. I remember going in to see our new Dr. and then going to our ultrasound. I remember seeing our little Jakob bouncing all over the screen! He measured right on target. I remember them telling me that I had Placenta Previa and I remember talking to Matt about it and saying, whatever we had to do we would for this baby. I remember going back a week later and getting another u/s because I was still bleeding. I remember seeing my little man jumping around everywhere. I remember the instant love I felt. The tech told me "look at your baby... Your baby is so active, and is measuring perfect". I remember sobbing. I knew that the tech's couldn't tell me much, but she must have seen my fear. I remember her giving me a picture of Jakob, our one and only face shot of our baby. I remember walking out to the waiting room and gleaming at Matt. I said "Our baby is OK!!!" - " He has a HEARTBEAT!!!"

I remember the day I turned 13 weeks I was getting ready for bed and I thought I was feeling contractions, and I said to Matt "I swear I am having contractions".... I will always feel guilt for crawling into bed that night. It's not like I know if they would have, or could have done anything because I was too "early", but, I will always feel guilty for at least not going down to be checked. I remember waking up that same night, at 3AM and having contractions every 5 minutes. I remember just lying there sobbing. I didn't even wake Matt. Eventually he woke, and we headed down to the ER where we heard our fate. That was on August 17th, the day after Matt's birthday. I went for another u/s and heard our babies heartbeat for the last time. 153 beats per minute. The report for that u/s said "Dilated internal cervical os with bulging membranes and engagement of the fetal head. LIVE intrauterine pregnancy with fetal heart rate of 153 BPM". "Dilated measuring 3.8cm". I remember the ER Dr. asking me if I wanted to "keep every chance of this pregnancy".... Which meant "Do you want a D&C?"... I told him I wasn't going to do anything because my baby had a heartbeat. They told me I could stay and be admitted, but I went home. I slept almost the entire day, with contractions slowing. Even though Jakob was engaged and I was dilated, and ultimately losing him, I still had hope. Around 9pm that same day my water broke. Then the contractions started coming faster and harder. The rest is pretty much a blur. 911, amazing La Verne Paramedics coming into the bathroom. Riding to the ER. Being told that the baby had passed already and was "hanging" from me. I remember seeing him. I remember how perfect he looked, and so at peace. He may have only been 13 weeks, but he looked like a baby. He was 7.7 cm from crown to rump. Which is almost 3 inches, but then his legs were probably another 2 or so. He was beautiful.

I remember getting morphine for the first time in my life. I remember being loopy and calm. I remember how much blood there was. I remember how low my blood pressure was. I remember being discharged and looking at Jakob one more time. Why didn't I have my camera?? My camera is now, always in my purse.

I remember coming home and sleeping. For a long time. I remember being angry at Matt and then sobbing. Long and loud cries. I literally cried my heart out.

I remember our Las Vegas trip and how much bleeding and crying were involved. I remember not wanting to come home. I remember thinking "How the hell did I think it would make it better to come to Vegas?!"...

I remember receiving the pathology report for Jakob. No gross external morphologic abnormalities are identified. Macerated male fetus. Negative for developmental anomalies. Consistent with gestational age of 13 weeks. The thoracic and abdominal cavities are examined revealing no obvious abnormalities of organogenesis. The extremities are normally formed...... I remember wanting the Dr to stop reading to me. I remember wishing Matt was with me at this appt. I remember wanting the pathology report in my hand so I could go home and read it. I remember getting in the car and Beyonce's Halo was on. I remember sobbing all the way home, saying "I have a son".

I remember the many Dr appts to follow with specialists, endo Docs, OB/GYN specialists, my primary. Lots and LOTS of fasting bloodwork. I remember getting diagnosis after diagnosis.

I remember my extreme anxiety and panic attacks that were developed after Jakob Bean.

I remember my reconnection with Christ. I remember finding the bible verse at the very top of this blog and realizing I was meant to read it.

I remember waking this morning and realizing that today was our first babies 9 month birthday. I remember this morning thinking we should have had our almost 3 month old on our lap. I remember thinking, well if not a baby, then I should have been nearly 27 weeks pregnant now and eating tons of Thanksgiving food! Showing family my growing belly. Letting people feel our son kicking....

And it will be around Thanksgiving every year. And, it will be Christmas eve. And Jakob's yearly birthday's will be 1 day after his dads.

I remember. I wish I couldn't sometimes, but then I wouldn't know what I do today. I wouldn't feel the Lord's hand in mine. I wouldn't feel the love I have now.

It's amazing that 9 and 3 months later, those 2 pregnancy losses are so fresh and so vivid. The memories. Memories I wouldn't give for anything.

And I will make every effort to see that after my departure you will always be able to remember these things. - 2 Peter 1:15

I thank my God every time I remember you. - Philippians 1:3

Down the road the sun is shining...
In every cloud there's a silver lining.
Just keep holding on...
And every heartache makes you stronger, it won't be much longer..
You'll find love,
You'll find peace
And the you your meant to be..
I know right now that's not the way you feel,
But one day you will...
Find the strength to rise above,
You will...
Find just what your made of, your made of.
- Lady Antebellum

There's so much to be Thankful For!

On any given day you can find something to be mad about. Grouchy. I certainly have days where I wake up and hate the world!

...But last week at Church they played a short video. And in it said that "Showing gratitude means so much more than just saying Thank You".

This touched me. I say thank you a lot. I've never thank Him. I've never told him how happy I am that I was reconnected with him, and in a whole new light. I never told Him how grateful I was for my family, my friends, my husband... my THINGS. After all, none of the things in my life are "mine". Our children, our money, our cars, houses, books and clothes.

The earth is the Lord’s, and everything in it, the world, and all who live in it (Psalm 24:1).

I am so grateful to God, for giving his ONLY Son. For us. For our sins. For our lives.

Could you give your only Son (or Daughter)? I bet you wouldn't. I wouldn't. That sacrifice is amazing.

So, today - Thanksgiving 2010, I am showing my gratitude to God. To Jesus. I know that I am covered by his blood. For without him, I wouldn't have any of the people, things or thoughts I do today.

Saturday, November 20, 2010

Red light.... Green light!

So, in about 2 weeks I go back to see the Endocrinologist doctor. She holds the key. She holds the freedom. I have had 3 sets of blood work since I have seen her last (in September), and have 1 more lab appointment before I see her again. I also have to follow up on Dec 15th with a redo of a blood test that was elevated. December will be our month of final answers.. Go-aheads, or Red Lights.

And I am terrified. Not from hearing from the doctors that I shouldn't try again. Honestly, if they told me not to try again, or the odds don't look good, then I will be fine. At least I say that now. I probably wouldn't be. BUT, what terrifies me right now is when they say "go ahead"... Green Light. I cannot go through "that" again. I just can't. The screaming. The crying. The exhaustion. The despression. The anxiety. The bleeding. The Hospitals/Emergency Rooms. The pain, both physically and mentally. The ambulance and 911 calls. The losing another child. I have a HUGE hurdle. I want SO badly to hold my child in my arms, alive and pink and chubby and.. breathing. The problem with trying again, is that I risk HAVING to do "it" again. I have to prepare for all of the "The" listed above.

I told Matt the other day that if the net pregnancy doesn't "work" then I will be done forever. I Pray to God daily to give me strength. Strength for what? Not sure. Just strength. I guess to actually try again. When you try for a baby, its usually fun. This time it won't be. It will be scary. Seeing those 2 lines will be terrifying. But I will do it. I will be brave and I will try to make that little baby who keeps trying to be with us, but doesn't make it.

So will you pray with me for Strength? I need it. In a couple of weeks our world will change. We will either be done trying, or we will be trying again... Until then I will be praying and I will be waiting.

So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. Isaiah 41:10

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

I guess this is our life!

As most of my readers know, Matt has been hospitalized for a "problem" with his heart (among other things). First it started as in infection, and now they think there may be a problem with his coronary artery. He is having a lot of tests to determine the cause. I feel so bad when he is hospitalized because he is not one to just sit around and wait. I also feel bad because I am home and I hate being without him. I'm hoping that within the next couple of days they find the root of this issue and can fix it. Please pray for a full recovery so he can come home to be with his family before the Holidays begin.

Evan has been having some issues at school with bullies. You never think your child will be apart of this growing rampage, but it does happen. Talk to your children about bullying. Most of the time they're too afraid to come forward on their own. Please pray for Evan and his Strength! He needs it right now.

My new OB doctor called the other day to let me know the results of all of my blood work. All of the chromosome/genetic sides of the tests came back perfect. However, I did have one elevated test that showed an issue with clotting. She said it wasn't really high, but high enough that she will retest in 6 weeks. If it comes back elevated again, she will refer me to a Perinatal doctor. She said usually women with this high level are put on baby aspirin, or Lovenox for the entire pregnancy. She also said it could be the cause of the demise in the pregnancies. As I am elated that genetically and chromatically I am perfect, but I am saddened that I will probably not be able to have a pregnancy that is just a perfect one. I will sacrifice anything I have to, in order to birth a child one day. Please pray for me so that I can gain an understanding with all of this pregnancy "stuff" and please pray for me to stay calm during this time. In about 3 weeks I return to the endocrinologist doctor, and if everything looks good there, she will give us the "green light" to try again. I am terrified. Scared. Confused. Sometimes I am too afraid to even want to try again, but Matt gives me hope and courage. So does my family and close friends. But unless you've been down this road first hand, words are a lot easier to say than actually doing something. So please pray with me that I can gain an understanding and a calming attitude to this whole fertility phase we are going through.

Really, none of this is new for me! I am used to Matt being in the hospital. I am now used to hearing about blood results and seeing endless Dr.'s (Matt and mine). This is our life. I wouldn't have it any other way.

And now for some randoms...

Did you see the bible verse at the top of this blog? Wow. I was speechless when I found it. If you read my blog about Jakob and his name and meaning, and how Jakob changed my life forever, you will know this verse is so perfect for me. Without the sorrow of losing my child, I would not be walking with the Lord the way that I am today.

Matt and I have been reading a book we got from Church. It's about Treasures, and tithing, and the items you have in your life (materialistic things). We read a sentence in the book and loved it! "You'll never see a hearse pulling a Uhaul. Why? Because you can't take it with you!". Instead of storing up your items on earth (that you can't take with you), store up your treasures in Heaven, where you will enjoy in them for eternity! There was another funny part in the book where a man asked an family member about his deceased relative "How much money did he leave?" "All of it". So funny, and SO true! I know this is so abstract, but I just had to share!

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

"done" with "this"

As I enter my 8th month of marriage to Matt, I am now seeing friends get divorced from 5+ year marriages. Sometimes it feels odd seeing or hearing my friends say they are getting a divorce, at only 30. Not odd in a bad way, but just in a way that says "Yeah, you're THAT old, its going to happen more and more now"... Occasionally I wonder what my friends who are divorcing are going through.

Are they sad? Are they happy? Do they think they were married too young? What are the circumstances surrounding their troubles and ultimately, their divorce.

What can I do to make sure that I don't be apart of the growing statistic of divorce? Just praying about it won't help in this case. Marriages need every possible resource and line of communication opened in order to sustain.

I once saw an article about a marriage counselor who was talking to a female who was about to become married. She had asked him what he does for a career, and he said that he talks with married couples who need help working on their marriage. The girl said, in a very naive way "Don't you just need love?" I laughed. Because when I first met Matt, I thought the same way. All we need is love, and everything else will step into place. This is SO wrong, in so many ways.

As I sit and watch my husband of not even a year go through SO many health problems, I can't honestly say that it hasn't been hard. We have had big fights and big disagreements. How can anyone survive off of the disability check of a 37 year old? How can a 37 year old even HAVE so many health problems and be walking the ground..? How can I be so selfish to make him father another child? How could I make him do anything?

I have said (during a heated moment) that I was "done" and that I couldn't do "this" anymore. But what exactly is "this" and why would I just be "done" with it? What if I had survived cancer two times? What if I had to be on blood thinners for the rest of my life? What if I had only 1 working lung? Would I want my husband to leave me because he became overwhelmed? Would it be fair for him to just be "done" with me because I was too weak and fragile to work?

Everyone has their own dilemmas in a marriage. EVERYONE. I don't think that one person on this planet could say that their relationship/marriage has not had at least 10 hiccups (more like tornado s!) along the way. Its nature. It happens. Never are 2 people the same in every way. People disagree, and people argue... But where do you draw the line? When is it acceptable to just be "done"?

In my own opinion... If one side has "checked out" and you have tried EVERYTHING possible to fix things, then it would in most cases be okay to be "done". If you married someone because you were pregnant, then it would be okay to be "done". If your husband or wife were having an affair, then absolutely, okay to be "done". Domestic violence - YES. "Done".

The above is ONLY my opinion. Again, every situation is unique.

"Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh." Genesis 2:24

When do you think its not okay to just be "done"?

Sunday, November 7, 2010

You don't have to be angry all the time...

You would all be lying (well, most of you anyway) if you said that when you're angry it doesn't feels good. Or, being angry is easier than just letting it go. I would be a liar if I said those things. Sometimes when I get angry I don't let it go because it feels so much better than saying "I'm over it" or, "I forgive you". I'm not talking about feelings of sadness, or guilt. I feel bad when I feel those and want to feel better. But anger is a whole different story.

Last night I realized that being angry is easy to do. Especially with how my life has been this last year, I could easily go for a big steaming cup of rage at any given moment. But then this morning I woke up and I realized that I don't always see my anger from the other person's side, and I never give the other side of my anger a fair chance.

Why is it so much easier to be angry? I bet we could all come up with some great reasons, especially when we are in the heat of the moment. But what does it really accomplish? For me, it hasn't done a thing. I could sit here and find 10 (at least) things off the top of my head to be angry about, but this morning I realized that none are good enough reasons, and what would be the fun in staying angry all of the time.

I have been doing a lot of studying in the Bible. Reading scriptures, books and other study guides. I have been learning a lot. I wouldn't dare say I know a lot yet, but I am getting there, and what better a starting point than at the beginning?

Stop being angry. Turn away from fighting. Do not trouble yourself. It leads only to wrong-doing. Psalm 37:8

For so long now I have prayed, but never really "let go". My controlling instincts kick in and I feel like I NEED to be working on the things that I told God about. This morning I remembered this great poem that my mom had written on a simple cloth hanging in her bathroom for years.

You never did let go...

As children bring their broken toys
with tears for us to mend,

I brought my broken dreams to God,
because He was my Friend.

But then, instead of leaving Him
in peace to work alone,

I hung around and tried to help
with ways that were my own.

At last I snatched them back and cried,
"How can You be so slow?"

"My child," He said, "what could I do"
You never did let go."


This is me to a T. I never know how to let go. When it is dealings of my own, or within my family - I have great troubles just letting go.. and especially letting God.

My new goal, as of this morning is to let go and let God. I will try this. I will say this. When I feel angry, instead of simmering in the mood, I will let go, but not before I fall to my knees and tell God.

I have SO many things that I could pull out of a hat and be angry at/with. If I told you all of them, it would fill up this blog (which is eternally huge).

Another part of anger is acceptance, but more importantly - forgiveness.

If the one who hates you is hungry, feed him. If he is thirsty, give him water. If you do that, you will be making him more ashamed of himself, and the Lord will pay you. - Proverbs 25:21-22

Forgiveness rides right behind Anger on the big loud Harley. It taps you on the back and says, "Just let it go. Forgive them." But more times than not, you push that feelings right off the back of the bike. You rev the engine and you peel out down the angry highway.

If you forgive someone/thing, then you can stop being angry. Did you ever hear the story about the Amish community where a man walked into a school and killed several children? The first thing that the Amish did... They forgave this man and his family. They knew that there was nothing they could do in their power to this man, and they knew if they could forgive him that they could move on in their lives. While I watched this movie I thought, "NO WAY! I would be at this guys door with a shotgun!".... But within my new learning of the Word, and reading - I know why they forgave him.

When you stand to pray, if you have anything against anyone, forgive him. Then your Father in heaven will forgive your sins also. - Mark 11:25

This one spoke to me directly. Because I have a controlling bone (or several) in my body, I always feel that *I* need to be the one to punish someone. Boy, was I wrong. I actually learned this dealing with Evan's bullying situation. I did the right thing, and prayed about it. Now, this girl was punished correctly.

Do not say " I will punish wrongdoing". Wait on the Lord, and He will take care of it. - Proverbs 20:22

Now, I know that I will slip. But I am going to tuck this little virtual blog into a pocket and try VERY hard to remember it. Life is too short and too exciting to wallop in misery!

A God-like life gives us much when we are happy for what we have. - 1 Timothy 6:6