Tuesday, May 24, 2011


When I found out I was pregnant, back in early January, I thought that each milestone was light years away! 12 weeks! 16 weeks! 20 weeks! and then when I thought about 24 weeks, I thought that there was NO way I would be getting to that point....

I made it! AND, with flying colors!!! The baby measures perfect, every time. His heart is perfect. My growth is perfect. Blood pressure perfect. I have gained about 3 lbs, in 24 weeks. Everything is perfect.

I was put through hell, losing 2 babies, to find out God's plan. He HAD a plan. He saved my life, before he let me grow a healthy life. Without those 2 babies, I would not have found out some health issues, lost all of my weight, quit smoking, etc. I thank God, and my 2 babies, for sacrificing their lives, for their brother Wyatt, and their mom.

Tomorrow, if Wyatt were to be born, he would have a 50-70% chance of survival. Everyday after tomorrow, the % goes up tremendously! I DO NOT want to have Wyatt this week, or any week soon, but I am starting to have a good relaxing calm, knowing that every week I go farther, I am looking at bringing my baby boy home! I know some people are probably wondering why I even worry, about preterm... Well, having lost 2, it is scary! I know everything has been perfect, so I don't really have a risk of preterm, per say, but its nice to know I am getting to a point where I am can breathe a bit easier.

Sunday, May 22, 2011

Father's Day

So, I surely realize that all of my friends out there have the best husbands too, but sometimes I just have to talk about my lovely husband.

Sometimes, I am so in awe of this man! Battling and beating cancer TWO times. Being 37 and on complete, permanent diaability (for now at least), having to be on blood thinners, and worse, living in fear of a blood clot your entire life... Plus so many more things. I know, that when standing on the "edge" and being given the chance to survive, your entire view on life and love changes.
Almost everyday since I became pregnant with Wyatt, Matt has made us/worried about dinner and all meals. Every night after dinner he collects pajamas from our room, brings them to the bathroom, and sets up a warm salt bath. He walks with me 2-3 times a day, even when he doesnt feel good. He will go and buy the food i HAVE to have. He cleans our house top to bottom, drives Evan to church group, deals with all of his schoolwork... He rubs my belly, back whenever I am uncomfortable. Every single night, I lay across his chest and he rubs my back/hair until I fall asleep.
He just lives to do things and care for others! Completely selfless! I strive to be as giving as him!
I hope our son posesses Matt's selfless, giving traits.
I am so in love with this man!

Thursday, May 5, 2011


......What a nasty word.


negative (comparative more negative, superlative most negative)

  1. not positive or neutral
  2. pessimistic; not tending to see the bright side of things.
    I don't like to hang around him very much, because he can be so negative many times about his petty problems.
  3. damaging; undesirable; unfavourable
    The high exchange rate will have a negative effect on our profits.
    Customers didn't like it: feedback was mostly negative.
  4. (mathematics) of number, less than zero
  5. (physics) of electrical charge of an electron and related particles


Sometimes, I am negative (it seems like more than not, these days). Everyone, except God Himself, has negativity. It's human nature, and its expected.

These last few days, my life on facebook has become another whirlwind of negative creation! It all started when our Navy Seals killed Osama Bin Laden. Before his blood was even dry, and probably before he even met Our maker, people started to debate over whether or not Obama, or our military were responsible for his capture/death. I will no longer engage in who I think was responsible, did the better deed, etc. It doesn't matter. No one should rejoice in the death of another. I understand why it had to happen... But, I will not go into a political debate over it.

I learned this the hard (or negative) way. I got into "it" with someone today. And actually, I am so THANKFUL to her, for letting me see the light. Instead of being a wicked person, and just cursing me out, she calmly showed me how I was acting. My heart is so sad, to see how someone was "perceiving" me. So, Thank you to her!

Life has been a roller coaster for me and for my husband, and for my husband and I together. Could all of the things we have been through put a negative, sharp edge on me? I would like to use the bad things I have been through as an excuse to be a bitch, but I look at my husband. The most calm, sweet hearted, loving and giving person! He has been through SO much more than me, and yet, he doesn't hold a grudge. He stays mellow, and stays giving. I yearn to be like him. I really like to think I am not such a cold hearted person, but maybe I am!

No more! God and I will "talk" sometimes. Granted, I am doing all of the talking, but through others, I hear Him. There is no reason to stay "sharp-edged", negative or cold. My wall can come down, and it will still be the same! I will be okay! My wall has become too thick, that I was letting NOTHING and sometimes NO ONE in! There was wrought iron, wood, mortar, brick, and even some chain link. It was a thick wall!

Part of letting go of negativity, is realizing no one is perfect. I can't make them perfect. I can't be perfect. I can just accept the people for who they are! Everyone is going through something too.

Sometimes I let out a breath, and I realize I had been holding it in for too, too long. Right now, I feel like I just let out the largest, deepest breath ever.

I know that I can not be perfect, and that I will slip up. But my mission now, forever more, is to TRY to be as positive and as optimistic as I can possibly be! To practice what I learn from His word.

**Please pray for Matt. He has been going through a lot in the last month, with an entirely new, potential health problem. He will be going for an MRI this week or next, and having a LOT of blood work done. We know there IS a problem, but we are praying that God makes it a problem we can deal with, and one that won't damper his daily life more than it has. Thank you to those who pray for him. He is a strong, strong man. And I love him more than anything, and couldn't imagine him without me...**

Wednesday, May 4, 2011

21 weeks!

21 weeks! 7 weeks until the 3rd trimester!! Its SO amazing how fast pregnancy goes, when there are no problems! I remember with the other 2 pregnancies, how slow it seemed to go! Now, I'm over halfway and time is not slowing (which is great!!).

Not much to report on, but I just wanted to keep this blog going!

Tuesday, April 26, 2011

Tomorrow! Tomorrow!

Holy crap! Here I sit, on the Eve of my 20th week. Could it BE??! Life, God, Faith... It's all pretty freakin' amazing if you ask me!

I don't know if I wrote about this or not, but RIGHT after Matt and I "tried" for this pregnancy, I had a meltdown and was so terrified, and on the verge of regret. I was SO terrified I would for sure be going through what I went through with Baby Bean and Jakob. I prayed to God daily, asking him to not let me become pregnant, if it meant losing another baby. I just told him I couldn't handle it.

Well, I think he heard me, and not only is there a beautiful baby growing inside of me today, but I have made it through 20 weeks of pregnancy! Baby boy is sounding great, looking great! Next Monday I go for his anatomy scan, and I CANNOT wait!!

I had a pretty emotional Easter. I was able to contain it to just between Matt, myself and God though. I quietly cried through Church. Ever since I found out I was pregnant on the 5th of January, I found the next Holiday, and checked to see how far I would be by that date. On the calendar I found Easter, and found that 3 days after Easter I would be 20 weeks along. In my heart it looked SO HARD to get to that date. Because of the last pregnancies, I just had negative thoughts. Well, I am here sitting now. One day away from Easter! Praise You God!!!

And, at my 20 week OB appt. yesterday, I happily weighed in at the SAME weight I started at 20 weeks ago! I lost 2 lbs throughout the last 20 weeks, but have gained them back and am now back at 0! The Dr was VERY impressed. My belly is DEFINITELY growing, so I am probably just losing a little bit of weight as we go. I am NOT dieting, or restricting myself. But, being on a restricted diet, and exercising still (walking 1 mile a day), is just I guess keeping me balanced. :) No complaints here!

Today we go for a follow up for Matt. He had some tests done about a month ago and today we find out those results. He is sitting in the living room playing Angry Birds on our ipod, trying to keep his mind from worrying/wandering. Please pray for him today? Thank you!

Friday, April 15, 2011

Eating right while you're pregnant?!

We have all heard of the woman who get to "eat for two" during pregnancy and gain 50-100 lbs and not have a doctor even flinch in their direction, right? The woman who have absolutely zero risk pregnancies. The woman who smoke cigarettes, marijuana, may even drink alcohol, or worse, do major drugs... But yet they give birth to normal (in this sense) babies.

I did EVERYTHING I could before this pregnancy to ensure a healthy baby/pregnancy, and so far, it's paying off! I lost 40 lbs, I quit smoking, I changed my eating habits and I got on a new medication to help with my hormones. So far, these all have made for a very comfortable, uncomplicated pregnancy. However, this is not to say that I am super, SUPER jealous of the woman who can eat a truck load of ice cream! I will do ANYTHING for this little boy to come home healthy, but I must say sometimes I wish I could just pig out - because lets face it - all pregnant woman just want to eat! I have lost 2 lbs so far during this pregnancy (but you wouldn't guess that looking at this baby mountain protruding out the front of me!). When you have to check your blood sugar 4 times a day, and document EVERYTHING you eat, and then have a nurse check it every 2 weeks - you don't slip! I want to!!... But I don't.

After I lost Jakob, a fellow baby loss mom and I were talking and I said "I just want to make it to the "safe point" to be able to relax, in a pregnancy. She kind of laughed and said, "Once you get to 12 weeks, you will want to get to viability, and then you will worry about stillbirth". Now remember, when you have lost 2 already, you fear ALL of the worst. I thought, after that mom and I talked - I doubt it, I will be fine at 12 weeks. Wrong. I got to 12 and still worried. Is my cervix competent? Is his heart okay? Now, I am stressed over the anatomy scan, because we denied any and all testing. After that, I will be stressed until viability! Then, I am HOPING, at that point, I will be able to relax. I sure sound like a nervous "nelly"!. Sometimes I need to remind myself that I am not in control, and that He is. When I remind myself of this, I relax a lot. It is what it is. I can do this!

Unbelievably, I am nearing closer and closer to a point in pregnancy that honestly, I NEVER expected to be witnessing! I am ALMOST halfway. I am SO close I can taste it! In less than 2 weeks, I will be out of these "teen" weeks and feeling like I have graduated to a better stage!

I often daydream about this little boy... I wonder what/who he will look like. Will he have mommy's nose? Daddy's chin? Mommy's red hair? Daddy's cute butt? I am so happy and grateful to God for giving us this gift. So grateful in fact, that, it takes away all of the selfishness I have for not getting to eat junk food all day! :)

Happy weekend everyone!

Tuesday, April 12, 2011

He keeps us safe!

I owe the success of this pregnancy to 2 things/people. God & Metformin. Wow! I guess I am mixing God/religion and Science... That feels weird to say, but I know its absolutely true...

Tomorrow I will be 18 weeks along. Time just keeps ticking by, and I couldn't be more tickled about it!

I was referred to Sweet Success (a program for pregnant women with GD, Type I or II diabetes, or other blood sugar issues). I was a little frustrated at first because 1, I am NOT diabetic or have GD, and the dietitian I met with did not understand what I was telling her. 2, they wanted me to change up my diet to calorie counting, instead of carbohydrate counting, which I've become accustomed too in the last year. I talked with the mgr of the program yesterday and got it all straightened out. They also gave me a new meter, which ended up being a POS! It was WAY off and of course I started to freak. My old/good meter (major brand) was reading my fasting #s between 70-90 and this new meter (cheap/generic) was reading 95+.. Well, over 95 consistently calls for more meds or insulin! So it was actually a big deal. I guess I realized that in life instead of sitting and being frustrated, just calling someone and talking makes it all the much better!

We have chosen our son's name! We are SO excited! As soon as we have the anatomy scan and are for sure its a boy (the private place we went to said they were "pretty sure", and the pictures do look more boy than girl, but we want to make sure) we will announce his name! :) We are in love with it!

Not much else going on! Except I am praising God and feeling SO good!