Monday, August 30, 2010

Not much

Not much on my mind this morning... Which is a relaxing feeling. Today I venture out back to work after being off since August 6th. I was put on bed rest back then for the bleeding, hoping to return to work not much long after that, but then ended up miscarrying. I work with my mom, so it will be a comforting thing going back. She took great care of me, and I know she will continue, too.

Last night I was in the shower and was telling Matt that I actually felt completely back to normal - hormone wise. It was a great feeling actually. Of course I would do/give anything to be nauseated and bloated still, but since I can't be, I will take the feelings of feeling totally normal again.

I just can't get over how resilient your brain and heart are. When you are in despair, you feel like you want to stay there, to stay sad to remember the one you lost. Like if you keep those emotions going, you will be able to remember longer or something. Your body doesn't allow it! In fact, I feel more of a person/adult having gone through what I have. Happier... Stronger! Your prayers for my strength were heard! Amen!!

God is amazing. As much as I was angry with Him before, I know now that He has a plan. I walk with Him and talk with Him and know He will guide us down the road we need to be on.

Have a great week everyone!!

Friday, August 27, 2010

The Quilt Holes

My mom forwarded this to me and it really feels like it was written for me. Beautiful...

As I faced my Maker at the last judgment, I knelt before the Lord along with all the other souls.

Before each of us laid our lives like the squares of a quilt in many piles; an angel sat before each of us sewing our quilt squares together into a tapestry that is our life.

But as my angel took each piece of cloth off the pile, I noticed how ragged and empty each of my squares were. They were filled with giant holes. Each square was labeled with a part of my life that had been difficult, the challenges and temptations I was faced with in everyday life. I saw hardships that I endured, which were the largest holes of all.

I glanced around me. Nobody else had such squares. Other than a tiny hole here and there, the other tapestries were filled with rich color and the bright hues of worldly fortune. I gazed upon my own life and was disheartened.

My angel was sewing the ragged pieces of cloth together, threadbare and empty, like binding air.

Finally the time came when each life was to be displayed, held up to the light, the scrutiny of truth. The others rose; each in turn, holding up their tapestries. So filled their lives had been. My angel looked upon me and nodded for me to rise.

My gaze dropped to the ground in shame. I hadn't had all the earthly fortunes. I had love in my life and laughter. But there had also been trials of illness and wealth, and false accusations that took from me my world, as I knew it. I had to start over many times. I often struggled with the temptation to quit, only to somehow muster the strength to pick up and begin again. I spent many nights on my knees in prayer, asking for help and guidance in my life.. I had often been held up to ridicule, which I endured painfully, each time offering it up to the Father in hopes that I would not melt within my skin beneath the judgmental gaze of those who unfairly judged me.

And now, I had to face the truth… My life was what it was, and I had to accept it for what it was.

I rose and slowly lifted the combined squares of my life to the light.

An awe-filled gasp filled the air. I gazed around at the others who stared at me with wide eyes.

Then, I looked upon the tapestry before me. Light flooded the many holes, creating an image, the face of Christ. Then our Lord stood before me, with warmth and love in His eyes. He said, 'Every time you gave over your life to Me, it became My life, My hardships, and My struggles.

Each point of light in your life is when you stepped aside and let Me shine through, until there was more of Me than there was of you.'

Just like I thought...

...Life moves on. Without any explanation, reason or cause - your heart and brain are miraculous organs. They mend. They bounce back and allow you to love, have strength and positivity back into your life. Three days ago, I didn't want them back yet. Today is a new day, and today I feel almost great!

At first, I was very angry with God. I couldn't understand why he wanted to have TWO of my unborn children. I wanted both, but Him taking one would have been understandable, but both...? When do *I* get to have one?! It may sound selfish, and in fact it probably was, but when you are a grieving mother to two unborn children, you become this way by instinct. Now, I am okay with it... Not just because I can't have them back, but because I know that He DOES have a plan. Something positive WILL come from this, and one day I will get to meet my 2 little beans, where they live happily and worry free now. I take heart and great solace in knowing that they are together, loving each other and watching over us down here. My little beans get to be in the best place forever!

My heart aches, as most moms hearts would. When I was pregnant with my first bean, we decided to decorate the nursery/baby room with sock monkey stuff. I had bought every color sock monkey from Target and locked them up tight in a ziploc, waiting to start decorating. The day never came, as I lost that bean too early. I did however take out one of the sock monkeys and slept with it ever since. It brought great comfort. The connection was just like that of a little kid with their blanket, pacifier or stuffed bear. I never felt silly for sleeping with it and always had to have it near by. After this loss, Matt was lying with me in bed and said "You know what helped you through the first loss was "baby bean" (we named the sock monkey this) and you have 3 more beans in the room to pick another one from". He brought me the bag and I picked out the red sock monkey. Now, I have baby bean and August bean sleeping with me. As much as I love the sock monkeys and find joy in their comfort, our bed isn't big enough for many more "beans"! But, I do love them, and they mean so much to me. They "fall asleep" with me every night. I don't care how silly that sounds, it works. And I am all for anything that can help me sleep through the night, and anything that can make my heart feel closer to the two children I will not meet for awhile.

Today I had another Dr appt. My Hcg level went from over 27k last week to a mere 101 this week. This is good. (TMI WARNING) This means that everything associated with the pregnancy/baby, exited my body and nothing was left over. I still need to do another level test, because the Dr's want to see it between 0-5. Last pregnancy that Dr told me that I was not immune to Rubella and I would need a booster. When I saw my primary Dr before this pregnancy, she got an approval for the booster, but I ended up getting pregnant that month so had to wait on the shot. Today I asked the Dr for the booster and he pulled my labs and said I WAS immune to rubella. My level was 16, and anything about 9 is immune. Go figure? But, whatever.. I am all for not getting poked with anymore yucky needles! He also referred me to an endocrinologist in hopes of finding out some kind of answers. This Dr deals with hormonal issues and blood sugar stuff, which apparently, is right up my alley! My OB Dr was also worried about the fact that my mom had an incompetent cervix for 3 of her pregnancies and had to be stitched and on bed rest every time. He told me that next time I need to be in with an OB/GYN specialist BEFORE I get pregnant.

Matt and I decided that we won't try again until we have some kind of answer, and if we don't get on of those, then until I lose more weight, and our Dr gives us the "ok". This will probably be hard for me, but I know it's what's best. I would like to wait to try again until at least next Jan/Feb. This will give me 5-6 months of healing/healthy time. I know I am terrified to try again, but I also know that in my heart, a baby is what I want. It's all I have ever wanted. But, I will relax and Pray and let God guide us this time.

Thank you again to everyone who sent messages, texts, phone calls and everything else. I feel truly loved. Most importantly to my mom, and my husband. My mom paid our bills, made us dinner and bought the things we needed. She even paid me for every week of work that I missed. She sent us out of town for 2 nights to get away from the "trauma" of our home. She paid for everything on our trip and didn't ask for a dime in return. She had the best and most comforting words that anyone has ever told me. My husband... Where/how did I get so lucky to have found a man like him. The man who saw every gory thing during my 2 miscarriages. Who sat and rubbed my back through every pain/contraction and tear. Told me the things that I wanted/needed to hear. Never left my side. How can I repay both of these amazing people? How can words ever be enough for my gratefulness? I thank God for these people every day!

Monday, August 23, 2010


Yesterday was an awful day... I had my first complete and total meltdown. I feel like I cannot cope with life and moving forward. I want to just stay in today and not move forward. Moving forward means moving on with life, and without my little bean. I want so bad for my bean to be back inside of me, growing and moving. I know I cannot get it back, and that even wishing it is pointless, but I cannot help it. This time around is so much harder than the first time. How do you pick yourself up and move on? I feel guilty for moving forward. Life really is not fair. At all. How do you even say that you want to "try again". Trying again means risking it all again. Creating a life, and risking the chance of it ending too soon. Life is so fragile, so insecure. Matt worked so hard when we first met to help me rid myself of all of my anxiety and insecurities. In one day, it was like nothing changed. I cannot be alone without him, or without him near me touching me. He has done everything to keep me somewhat calm, and relaxed, but on a dime - my emotions change. My bleeding has finally started to slow down, but my breasts won't stop leaking. The milk that was meant to be for my child. In a little over a week, my first child's due date will arrive (Sept. 4th) and I'm sure it will be a day of sadness. I just keep thinking that my Strength will return, but every morning when I wake up, I slowly remember that hell that has been the last week. I find myself rubbing my belly, just to remember that there is nothing inside anymore. I have to relive everything that happened, every time I wake up. I used to be able to sleep so easily and quickly, now it's hard because I know that when I wake up, I have to remember everything. Hopefully, one day soon I will be able to wake up and have a full day without feeling so guilty and sorry for myself...

Saturday, August 21, 2010

There are no words...

On August 17th, around 10pm, I gave birth to the most beautiful, perfect little baby I have ever seen.... 6 months too early.

Like my previous blog stated, I had started to have small contractions early morning on Aug. 17th and went to the ER, where I was told that my baby had a heartbeat of 153bpm, but was fully engaged, and later I read in the reports that I was dilated to 3.8cm. I came home and prayed, hard. God had other plans that day, because later that night, my little bean came into the world sleeping.

My heart hurts, and my eyes sting as I write this, but I didn't want to wait because I want to keep a journal of our journey.

I came home and slept for several hours, all the while having nightmares, and scary thoughts, and worsening contractions. Just like the first miscarriage (which I was stupid to try and do from home this time considering I was 13 weeks, and not 9 like last time) the contractions started to progress around 9pm, and the sac ruptured. I knew that at that point, my chances of having a full pregnancy were over and it was time for this baby to come into the world.

Around 10pm, the contractions were coming every 45 seconds and bad. Again, like last time, Matt was with me the entire time and took great care of me as I prepared to deliver our sleeping child. I ended up sitting on the toilet because I felt the most comfortable there. The contractions were so bad, and so painful this time, that I really thought I was going to die. I knew I was in trouble when I started telling Matt that "I can't do this anymore"... I stood up for a second, then sat right back down because my body was too weak. All of the sudden, my world started to blur, I was seeing stars and I felt I had no control of my body. I just kept saying "call 911" and "here I go" (I was going to pass out). I had bled through about 4 pads in an hour, which was extremely dangerous. Our lovely LV paramedics showed up and saved me. Right before I got up to get on the gurney, I felt something pass, but not completely.

I was brought to the ER, where I was started on IVs. I told the nurse something was "stuck" and she took a look and told me it was the baby. My baby. My dream... was over. I looked at our little bean for a long time. Looked just like a baby, just very small (about 5-6" long). The only thing physically that didnt look fully developed was that it's eyes were still the black dots. But my baby had fingers, toes, ears, lips... I could see its little ribs through its skin. A perfectly round head, a little tiny belly. The most beautiful little bean I have ever seen. Before I left my bean at the hospital, I said my goodbyes and looked at it one more time. This time I looked closer, and saw that this baby had the exact same lip shape as Matt and Evan. Their top lips protrude and point out in the middle. This baby was going to look like it's big brother.

The nurses were VERY sweet, and I was in my own private room in the ER, where I had privacy. I ended up passing everything else, and had a pelvic exam and then sent home. The pain was so much more intense this time than the last time that I ended up accepting morphine from the hospital. It helped, SO much. My final diagnosis: Premature labor, resulting in miscarriage.

My bean stayed at the hospital to be tested by pathology. The OB specialist told me that it didn't make much sense that my body was ending the pregnancy, and that it would probably end up being a problem with me (thyroid, fibrosis, etc). I was tested for cycstic fibrosis with the first pregnancy, and thyroid a few months ago and none came back positive. So, only time will tell.

Some of my friends have asked why they couldnt stop it or stitch me. Well, when you are already dilated to almost 4cm and the baby is engaged, there is no stopping it. Sometimes I wonder if I went in earlier the night before if they could have helped, but there is no second guessing. My HCG went from over 32,000 to 27,000 in about a week. My guilt, anger, sadness and rage are so elevated that it's hard for me to talk to anyone. When I start to talk to Matt, I lose it. My anxiety came rushing back, and also my insecurities. I feel like my world makes no sense anymore. I hear some of my friends telling me they've, or someone they know lost babies, 2, 6, 1, and to stay positive. I don't care who you are, you are not positive, and honestly, your Faith is brought down a few notches too after losing 2 babies within 6 months. This one is so much harder. My baby was growing, and had a perfect little beating heart. MY body decided it was time to finish the pregnancy. Again, the guilt is so hard to deal with. I just want to scream and rip my skin off.

As if all of this wasn't bad enough, apparently, at 13 weeks, your boobs have prepared for feeding. It feels like there are sacks of rocks in my boobs and they are rock hard, and hurt badly. I've also had milk leaking out since last night. That, on top of the awful cramping and bleeding, make this so much harder.

I know in time my heart may mend, but it will always have 2 spots that hurt and ache for the babies that Matt and I created. Right now, I don't even want to think about trying again. My fear of having this happen a 3rd time, is so high that thinking about getting pregnant again is completely out of my mind.

Thank you so much for all of your texts, emails and comments. It means a lot knowing that I have such an amazing group of family and friends. Please continue to pray for my Strength, and Faith in this awfully sad time.

I hope to be back chatting with friends and responding the texts within a week or two. Right now, I can only handle talking to my mom and Matt, and writing in this blog.

Tuesday, August 17, 2010

Baby bean...

Last night when I went to bed, I could have sworn I was having some light contractions. Not wanting to believe it, I went to sleep.

Around 3AM this morning I woke up to contractions spaced about 5 minutes apart, and really intense. I just laid in bed and cried, trying not to wake up Matt, thinking of something all too familiar... Losing a baby.

Matt eventually woke up and took me over to the ER at Pomona Valley, where they brought me in right away and sent me to U/S, where they found our little bean, moving, and heart beating away. However, sadly, my cervix was dilated and the baby was fully engaged. I could not pull myself to have a D&C, knowing that my little one was still alive.

We met with the hospital OB specialist and some other Dr.'s who called it an 'inevitable, spontaneous miscarriage'. For some reason, my body decided to go into extremely early labor.

My heart is breaking, again. For the 2nd time in 6 months, I will be losing the baby that I wanted so bad. Tomorrow, I was to be 13 weeks, entering the wonderful 2nd trimester.. My world feels so unimportant now, and honestly I am still in complete shock.

The hardest part is that the contractions have slowed way down, meaning this whole ordeal will take its sweet time, probably because the baby is still alive. Knowing my little bean is swimming around and healthy, makes this the hardest thing I have ever gone through. My body and mind are numb. I refused the hard medicines like dilaudid and morphine, and can only bring myself to take tylenol.

I'm not even sure how I attempted/wrote this blog because my mind is in such an emotional downward spiral, and I am trying to find a way to swim out. :(

I ask for your prayers today for the little bean, and for myself and family. The biggest thing we need is Strength.

Thank you all in advance for your kind words, I love you all.

Tuesday, August 3, 2010

Little Miracles...

So, as only a few of you know - I am PREGNANT! Ironically, this morning I had my 1st prenatal appointment and started to bleed about an hour before going to see the Doc... As most of you know, I miscarried in February, so the sight of blood was devastating.

We got to the Dr.'s and he did urine tests and took a peak inside, to find a good amount of blood. And not spotting, bleeding. Again, I was devastated. He sent me over to L&D, who did a quick peak, but since I am not over 5 months, couldn't do much, and sent me to the ER. I got an ultrasound (which the tech wouldn't say anything to me or let me see), blood work and more urine samples.... After several hours of waiting, the Dr came in to tell me that my baby is ALIVE and OK! I weep as I write this... Babies heart rate was 160BPM and my HCG levels are in the perfect range. Baby measured 10 weeks and 5 days - RIGHT on target.

I was diagnosed with Placenta Previa, where the placenta is covering my cervix. This is considered high risk for miscarriage, and I will also need to have a C section, so that I do not dilate. I was put on a no lifting/running/straining "diet".

I did not plan on announcing for another couple of weeks, but due to this amazing outcome, I feel it would be time. I also would appreciate and ask for all of your prayers in the scary/nervous time. I ask that you pray for this babies strength and for a healthy, full term baby.

Thank you all! :)

Sunday, August 1, 2010

And the countdown begins!!!

Evan will be home in ONE week! It's hard to believe that he left us on June 17th, and not even a week later we were bored out of our minds, and missing him like crazy! Matt and I did have a great time just relaxing, resting and loving each other though. It will be great to have him back and take him to the skate park, his new church youth group, and shopping for his new junior high stuff. I can't say that I loved having him gone, but I did enjoy the one-on-one time I got to spend with his dad for 6 weeks.

Oh the stories we have heard, and those are the ones just over the phone! Evan's mom seems to be completely incapable of being a mother, a decent one at that. We talked to Evan on Sundays during his trip to Utah, and the things we heard were jaw dropping! His dinners consisted of bagels, fruit snacks, and other very unhealthy options for a growing preadolescent! One Sunday we got our call from him at 10PM (OUR TIME), 11PM Utah time. Granted, it is Summer, but personally I don't think an 11 year old needs to be up at midnight every day of the week. His mom told him she was going to get him new glasses, a new cell phone and take him to her dermatologist. Guess how many of those things got accomplished? None. That's right. Almost 2 months in, and she has done nothing. She bought him some new underwear though! *shakes head*. How can a mom be so disconnected, and not so, well... motherly? I am not his biological mom, and I have MANY instincts. Oh, and last week we got a friend request from Evan on FB. I think this is too young to be online (FB does too, as their age requirements say 13). We may let him keep it, but will monitor and not allow inappropriate things to go on. I just feel bad because I know Evan loves his mom no matter what, but I wish he would see the things she says/promises are not ever followed through on. I don't want to manipulate, but I DO want him to realize how much his dad and I do for him, on a VERY fixed income. He has never gone without, but yet, his mom still seems to be the person who can do no wrong. It's very heartbreaking, and frustrating. I just pray that his transition from being an 11 year old with absolutely no responsibilities (and basically looked after by a not so Christian 14 year old brother), to a boy in a Christian, responsible home is smooth! We have a lot of surprises for him when he does get home and we cannot WAIT to share them with him!!