Friday, September 24, 2010

Las Vegas

In one of my previous posts I quickly wrote about how Matt and I were "sent" out of town after the miscarriage to get away. This weekend I am returning back to Vegas, and instead of it being the normal excitement, I am kind of scared and emotional.

Most people wouldn't just leave town 24 hours after having a natural miscarriage. If you have ever been through one, it hurts, and it hurts for awhile. After the miscarriage, Matt and I came home and slept nearly all day (since we were in the hospital nearly all night). We woke up and had dinner, and then went back to bed. The next morning my mom texted me and told me that she wanted to pay for us to get out of town for 2 nights. We were a little bit skeptical at first, but then decided it would be good to actually get away.

It did help. It kept our spirits a little bit higher than normal, and kept us busy. I was able to kind of just "escape". However, I was in pretty bad pain the entire time. I was also bleeding pretty heavily too. If we would have stayed home it would have been really hard just sitting around all day. So, getting away was great, but also sad. The night before we came home I actually cried for hours in our hotel room begging Matt to let us stay in Vegas forever. No, not for the buffets, but because I didn't want to return to our home, our life. Nobody knew what I was going through in Nevada. I could just be someone new for 2 days. Obviously, we couldn't stay in Las Vegas forever, and came home. I cried off and on all the way home... I wasn't ready to be answering questions, emails and texts about how I was feeling. I honestly, felt like shit.
Its been almost 6 weeks since we lost Jakob, but talking and thinking about certain things that have happened since then make it seem like it happened just yesterday. For awhile, it was like a dream, or a big blur. Hospitals, seeing our son lying in front of us, morphine, crying, sobbing, yelling, ultrasounds, blood tests. I am so Grateful to God for giving me those 13 short weeks with my son. I know someday I will get to hold him forever.
So, in a couple days I will go back to the hotel where I cried from pain, both physically and mentally. It might sound funny, but it kind of makes me feel like I am going to be closer to Jakob there.
No updates to give on my medical side yet. I see the nutritionist next week, the dentist the following week (UGH!) and then I see the endo Dr again a few weeks after that. I hope she can give us some answers.

Wednesday, September 8, 2010

His Work. His Plan. His Name.

I know I just posted a blog before this one. But, I had to share this wonderful, glorious story with you all.

As you know, we named our son Jakob. - I wanted to use a biblical name, but to me, Jacob didn't have a very strong meaning... Until tonight. Has anyone ever said to you "It's in His plan"? "God has a plan for everyone"...? Well, when I first heard it, after losing two children I kind of thought, okay, yeah, sure. I have always been a Christian, but borderline bandwagon one. I prayed, I attended Church. I asked for Forgiveness. I prayed before a scary blood test, or exam... But I never GOT it. Until tonight. And through my son Jakob, I see His plan.

His plan was for me to become a believer. To become a Child of His. To learn Faith. And His plan worked.

I have been reading online, all night, about The Story of Jacob. God REALLY does work in mysterious ways.

Here, the writer on this website kind of used a "Reader's Digest" form of writing the story of Jacob, but that's all I needed. This one sentence. It was all it took.

"Jacob is not a special case--he is a picture of all of us. All of us struggle with God."

Wow. I was so angry with God after each miscarriage, and I even threatened him. I threatened to be a non believer. I thought, if this is your plan, then I'm out... He held tough, and He held me. He named our son Jacob, and guided me to learning more about Him, and Jacob in the bible.

I can't even explain how I feel right now. Epiphany? I think that word works. Here is more about what I read, and how much it is related to me, my life and how I have been feeling:

God had a will for Jacob's life and made promises to him pertaining to that will, but Jacob had been stubbornly resisting God's leadership at every step.

After wrestling all night, God dislocated Jacob's thigh with a touch (32:25). This showed Jacob who he was fighting with (someone with immense power who could easily beat him), and that this was a picture. God had been taking progressively more drastic steps (Esau; Laban; Esau) to teach Jacob to abandon his self-sufficiency and trust him.

Now crippled, Jacob can only hang on to God--a picture of his proper relationship with God. Now that Jacob's tenacity is expressed in a dependent posture, God blesses him (probably reiterates the Promise) and renames him to cleanse him from his old ways ("supplanter;" "deceiver") and give him a new identity to live up to ("one who strives effectively with God"). God has always been willing to bless Jacob. He has only been waiting for Jacob to ask with a trusting, dependent heart.

Jacob learned the lesson. The next morning, he dropped his elaborate and self-protective plan with Esau and instead passed ahead of everyone to meet him directly (33:3), trusting God's promise to protect him. He discovered that Esau had forgiven him, and he went on to supply godly leadership for his family.

God works through suffering and adversity to teach us our need to depend on him. Because the problem isn't merely misinformation about God, the solution requires more than simply learning that God loves you and has a wonderful plan for your life. Since the problem is deeply-rooted self-sufficiency, God works to "break" this through adversity.

I've been in tears for awhile now. I am so excited that He has shown me. Not often does He come right out and point the way, or show you why he does something. This time, He did. My life from this point on, will never be the same.

And I have my son Jakob to Thank. So thank you little bean, for showing mommy the Way. The Truth and The Light. You are my reason, and I am so blessed to have carried you for such a short time. I love you so much little man, and I can't wait to see you! Mama's gonna be alright. :)


So, I have this song that I listen to a LOT. Even though it's a man singing, and he talks about his wife, the main reasoning behind the song just reminds me of me from time to time. I talk to God a lot. I tell him things, I get angry with him, and he lets me. I cry to him, and ask him why.... And he always listens. Sometimes, he is all the solace that I have. I get to just talk to him. It's really one of the most comforting and calming things that I find works... Anyway, the song is called "The man I want to be" by Chris Young.. Yes, I am aware of the fact that I do not have a penis, but the meaning of the song is great! ;)

I read a book on miscarriage/child loss a few weeks ago, and I have been stuck thinking about something the author (also a Dr.) wrote, and it has helped some. Probably, someone who has not lost a child, or miscarried, or had a perfect pregnancy might not understand. Someone who hasn't read the book "A Child Is Born" might not get it either.... But the author wrote that the crazy thing about pregnancy is NOT miscarriages, or infant loss. It's actually the fact that anyone can even have a child born into this world, perfect. If you have read a lot about pregnancy, and how it all works (I'm talking splitting cells, genetics, chromosomes, attachment, bloods, vessels, etc) you will know that what he says is SO true. The amount of miracles involved in growing a child in your womb, from conception to birth is such an amazing task, that really, its a miracle that anyone has children who are born perfect! In talking with some close friends today, and reading other people's blogs on child loss, it really is true. There are SO many woman in this world who cannot get pregnant, or once they do have problems. SO many things have to be so perfect in order to grow a child.

I have a heavy heart for a friend today. She has been through infant loss, and is pregnant again... However, her numbers are not going up like they should. I cannot imagine the sadness, and anger she may be feeling. I pray for her constantly, and hope God will show her that He is with her throughout all of this.

I have also been so amazed and happy and grateful for God putting so many caring people in my life. Like I said in a previous blog, a friend of mine sent me (or had her bf drop off ;)) a necklace for me. It has not come off of my neck since I got it. I love when people ask about it. I love spreading my story. Another friend, who I fortunately (or unfortunately, I guess given the circumstances) met after my first miscarriage (and she lost her newborn son) - is sending me something too. The "baby loss" club is huge and massive, but I think more woman can relate than I ever expected. These woman know exactly how you feel. They know saying things don't help. But, knowing they are there for you helps.. a lot. Thank you God for delivering so many people into my life, in Your name.

Tuesday, September 7, 2010

He's my son

Since we found out that we had a son, it was only perfect that we named him. We had a lot of boy names picked out, but we decided that we would not use any of the original names we picked.

Jakob has a name now. Now, we can talk about Jakob, and remember him by name. It feels so right, and so calming to use a name for him.

Just thought I would share that we have named our son, who now walks with our Lord.

We love and miss you Jakob! We would be finding out that you were a boy this week! 16 whole weeks have gone by since we found out we were pregnant with you.

Psalm 139:13-14

For you created my inmost being;

you knit me together in my mother’s womb.

I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;

your works are wonderful,

I know that full well.

Saturday, September 4, 2010


Today was 'Baby Bean's' due date. I remember back in January when I found out I was pregnant that September 4th seemed SO far away...

Today I should have been feeding and snuggling a new baby. Or, today I should have been so done being pregnant and ready to meet the little bean.

I received a beautiful gift from a longtime friend last night, and it was perfect. It's a silver necklace with a silver pendant of a mother and two children standing in a circle, holding each other. It was probably the most thoughtful thing anyone has done for me, after losing my two beans. I am so in love with it, and will always cherish it, and the friend who thought of me when she saw it. Love you Kristene!

On the plus side - I went shopping with my mom today at old navy and have dropped 3 sizes since March! Since March, I have lost 27 lbs. My goal is to lose another 25 before we are pregnant again. I know I can do it, because I lost the first 27 without wanting to kill myself!

God is great, and so are the people in my life. <3

Friday, September 3, 2010

My Name - By George Canyon

This is the song I wrote about. It's breathtaking. Honestly, when I listen to it, my stomach aches, as my heart. BUT, it gives me something to hold onto. This song is amazing.
It's sung as though the baby is talking... That's what kills me the most about it.

It’s cold in here feels like everything’s upside down
I can feel you talking but I can barely make out the sound
I've been kickin' around these parts, feels like a year
I’m gonna change this world if I ever get out of here
She wants to dress me in pink, paints my bedroom blue
And I just laugh to myself, cause only I know the truth
This love is my only emotion
Haven’t learned any fear any pain
It’s kind of funny with all this commotion
I guess they’ve got me to blame
They don’t even know my name
They don’t even know my name

Well I’ve never felt so ready, think it’s finally time
Cause that big old world is waiting, and it’s mine all mine
Just then everything got real quiet, it got real bright
And a man took my hand said don’t worry, Mommas gonna be alright
Then he opened the gates and I followed him in
Said you can wait right here till it’s your turn again
And his love is the one true emotion
Heaven knows no fear no pain
I never got to set my wheels in motion
They loved me just the same
And they didn't even know my name
Didn’t even know my name
You loved me just the same
And you didn’t even know my name

Answers.. Or lack thereof!

Today I had another Dr appt to make sure my Hcg was dropping. In one week it went from 101 to now, 22. I have to get ANOTHER blood draw next week. I am hoping that it's below 5, because I am tired of being in the lab every week, for something that is no longer.

While at the Dr. today, he told me that the anatomy side of the pathology report had come in. My baby, was a boy. I was carrying a son. I sobbed all the way home from the appt. It kind of made it more real. The baby had absolutely nothing wrong with him, physically. He was developed to exactly where he should have been, 13 weeks. I guess they sent a portion of his liver, lungs and umbilical cord to be tested as well, but I don't know what the answers/findings are with those yet. I had a feeling I was having a boy, but just hearing it/reading it made it all too real.

Tomorrow, September 4th, is my first unborn child's due date. I'm not really sure how I feel about it being here already, or how I will feel when I wake up tomorrow, but I will remember that my two children are with the Lord now, in a better place.

I found a song the other day that I wish I would have found a long time ago. It's called My Name and it's by George Canyon. He is a country Christian singer who wrote a song about child-loss for a friend who had been through it. Amazing song, and so very bittersweet.

Yesterday was my last day of work at the daycare, and my mom cried. I did too, but hid it. She is amazing and has done SO much for me, but I didn't leave because of her. Emotionally, it was too hard. So last night Matt and I rearranged what would have been our baby nursery, and turned it in to an office for me. I will be doing full time, from home. I pray I can keep this family afloat. Working from home is great, but sometimes you have to really push yourself to get to work, instead of staying in bed. Being in this room is okay. I am not too sad about it, and being in here kind of makes me feel closer to my little beans.

Wednesday, September 1, 2010


So, today Matt went in to the hospital for an endoscopy. Everything went smoothly, and the Dr. only found a few "sores" on his stomach. He said they could be from all of his medication, or something else. Apparently, they are going to do pathology on the biopsied sores. He was really out of it and sleepy when he got out of the procedure. The Dr. said that he had to take extra meds in order to "fall asleep". I hate being at that hospital, and I hate when he has to go in for procedures. All bad memories.

For the last few days, since returning to work, I have been having major anxiety. Matt thinks I went back to work too soon. Me, on the other hand, think I went back to the wrong line of work. I have been working for my mom at her licensed daycare for over a year and a half now. Everything was great about the job, until I started losing my babies. Going back after each one has been hard to deal with. This time, when I went back, there were 3 new baby girls. Every night I would tell Matt "I don't want to go to work". I had been going to work all along, and enjoying it, but now it is just too hard to deal with.

I told my mom I would be quitting today, and she was a little mad at first, but then was very understanding and happy for me. The problem is, I have no job to take its place. Honestly, right now, I have no interest in working at all. I don't want to sit at home and do nothing, but I don't want to be out with the real world yet, either. We decided that since I am so familiar with ebay, that I will give it another shot. This time full time. I might not make as much as I did at daycare, but I will still be bringing in some money, all the while being able to be at home.

Since Evan has come home we have had some pretty major issues with him, personality/attitude wise and have been working very hard at fixing/adjusting him. For Matt and I to both be home full time, will give us the chance to work one on one with Evan and tackle his needs.

I'm hoping God has led me to making this scary choice, and will help continue our strengthening. I think it will be a good bonding experience as well. I look forward to being home, but I also have major worries about making money and keeping us afloat.