Sunday, February 21, 2010

Sometimes things just don't work out as planned...

I decided to continue this blog... Things in life happen, and I can't just forget about them, I have to deal with them. Also, some people want to know what's happening, or how I am. I figured continuing the blog can help me walk through this, and let other people know how I am doing. If you don't want to read it, don't.

Let me go back to February 5th... My Dr. ran a GTT test on me super early because I had told him that another Dr. once told me I may be diabetic. I bombed the GTT test, failing 3 out of the 4 tests (badly). After he got the results, he referred me to Perinatal Services. They called the next day, and on Friday the 5th I had an appt., including an ultrasound. Now before we even went, I kept asking my mom and Matt about "what happens if they don't see a heartbeat today?". Maybe I kind of had a feeling (mother's intuition??), or maybe I was just nervous. We went into the room, and there was a U/S machine, and another TV monitor on the wall, that broadcasted the U/S. The tech did an abdominal and we got to see the baby. I asked her where the heartbeat was, and she said "we will probably have to do a vaginal". Then, the Dr. comes in. Never introduced herself, and said "Your dad has Factor V?!". I said "No... The babies dad (and pointed to Matt)". She almost seemed mad at me because of the Factor V, and also my GTT results. Very unpleasant and NO bedside manner. Then SHE did an abdominal and still no heartbeat. She didn't say anything, had me empty my bladder, and then started the vaginal. About 10 minutes later, she had me sit up and said "The baby stopped growing about a week ago, and there is no heartbeat. Your baby has died". I lost it. All I ever wanted was to have a child of my own.. I was balling. I don't think I have ever cried so hard. Before this woman left the room, she had the nerve to tell me to "get your diabetes under control before you try again"...!!!!!

WOW! Don't you think I WOULD have done ANYTHING to keep my unborn child safe?! Who says that? And she wasnt even my DR!!! She asked whether I wanted to go see my Dr right then, or wait until Monday. I just wanted to go home. Matt was my rock that day, and has been since then. He kept me upright, fed, bathed and breathing. You never understand the heartbreak of losing a child, born or not, until you go through it (and I hope NO ONE has to go through it!). The entire weekend was a blur. I was up at 4am each morning, and don't remember anything. At any moment, I would break down. I was fragile.

So, on Monday morning we set out to our amazing Dr.'s office to find out what was going on. He never once fed us false hope, but Matt and I definitely had plenty of it (you have to!). He said that he would never tell me to get a D&C, and that would be his last resort. I decided I wanted to wait it out and for it to naturally happen. He told us that within a week, if it didn't start, he would send us for another U/S.

Well, Tuesday came...Wednesday..Thursday... Nothing. We made it a week and a half to our next appt., and by this time we were FULL of hope. I mean, I still had all of my symptoms. Just maybe!! Well, the following Thursday arrived, and we went to see our Dr. He said that there is always a chance of a mistake, and he thought it was taking too long to happen naturally. He sent me for a U/S that morning. Another agonizing hour... This place wouldnt show me anything or tell me anything. I asked the tech at the end if she could tell me anything, and she said "No, call your Dr.". Well, duh... If she would have seen something positive, she would have shown me, or let me listen. Crap. All of our hopes were gone. I walked out and told Matt that I didn't know anything. We were SO confused.

Meanwhile, we had a wedding to plan! I came home and decided that I would be okay with whatever God decided would be. I started to work on our invites... Then around 2pm Matt asked me if I wanted him to call for me. YES! I was too scared. He called and talked to our Dr. who said that the baby measured the exact same size as the last U/S (8 1/2 weeks), and that I showed swelling on my uterus, which means your body is preparing to expel (kind of like right before you have your period). He said that if I don't start to bleed in a week, he will prescribe "the pill". I had heard the entire conversation (from our side), and was so heartbroken. Matt walked in and just held me. I lost it.. again. I had done so well staying strong and hopeful that last week and a half, that I thought I would be able to handle the news. Not quite. The Dr. said that basically there is no way to know, but either there was a genetic issue, or because of a systemic illness (diabetic), that is what caused the miscarriage. We will never know. At first I blamed myself... But then I realized I couldn't. I didn't know I had a blood sugar issue. It took getting pregnant to get insurance. Sometimes, small miracles do happen. Without this pregnancy, I would have probably not found out that diabetes was an issue. Now, I can manage it, and move on. Thanks to my Angel Baby.

The official name for my miscarriage is a missed miscarriage and embryonic demise. The baby stopped growing and lost the heartbeat, but my body continues like it is still pregnant (hence the symptoms remaining). I am in no rush to D&C or get this over with. I will wait. If I get an infection then I will have to do something, but for now, I am doing it naturally. I was told it could take up to 6 weeks from demise to start bleeding. It's now been almost 4 weeks. It scares me, but it also makes me THAT much stronger.

Since finding out all of this (blood problem), Matt and I have been walking 2-3 miles a day, and my eating habits have completely changed. I have lost almost 15 lbs since January. My sugar levels have been amazing, which we don't understand either, but it could be just from eating right, no carbs, no sugar.

So, here I am waiting... and waiting. Ready to move on, but remembering what is happening, and will happen. I know some of you might think this is too much personal information. But what if someone else is going through this, and can read it and feel comfort? If I can help one person, I will.

I have also learned through this experience that times like these show you how REAL your friends are, and also brings out the REAL character in people. Wow. I have some pretty amazing friends and family. And I also know who is talking to me for other reasons. Pretty sad, but you live, you learn, right?

This blog will continue, because Matt and I will try again. :) We have Faith in God, and know that he will provide us with what we can handle.