January 4th

Tomorrow is the day that I got my very FIRST positive pregnancy test ever in my life, one year ago. I will always remember the excitement, the love I felt, the fear (of actually BEING pregnant, it was happening!)...I will always remember the PILE of pregnancy tests that I took (just to make sure!) I was SO happy and so ready for my first child. Then, a few short weeks later those dreamed were dashed forever. I will always remember how sad I felt. How I fell into Matt's body while I screamed. I will always remember the cold, plastic bed I was lying on, while my dead baby's picture was in my hand. This might sound dramatic, but you try going through it, then tell me how you felt when you were told that your baby's life wasn't viable.

It feels like my life is full of sad dates. When I realize the date, I feel the pit in my stomach grow. But today I decided those will be dates of happiness, of excitement. Those dates will always be true to my heart, and very close. I can tell you the dates I conceived, the dates I took pregnancy tests, the dates I saw heartbeats, the dates I lost both pregnancies. I don't even need to look at a calendar.

Hopefully, this year will be full of really exciting dates! Let's hope!!