Friday, August 27, 2010

Just like I thought...

...Life moves on. Without any explanation, reason or cause - your heart and brain are miraculous organs. They mend. They bounce back and allow you to love, have strength and positivity back into your life. Three days ago, I didn't want them back yet. Today is a new day, and today I feel almost great!

At first, I was very angry with God. I couldn't understand why he wanted to have TWO of my unborn children. I wanted both, but Him taking one would have been understandable, but both...? When do *I* get to have one?! It may sound selfish, and in fact it probably was, but when you are a grieving mother to two unborn children, you become this way by instinct. Now, I am okay with it... Not just because I can't have them back, but because I know that He DOES have a plan. Something positive WILL come from this, and one day I will get to meet my 2 little beans, where they live happily and worry free now. I take heart and great solace in knowing that they are together, loving each other and watching over us down here. My little beans get to be in the best place forever!

My heart aches, as most moms hearts would. When I was pregnant with my first bean, we decided to decorate the nursery/baby room with sock monkey stuff. I had bought every color sock monkey from Target and locked them up tight in a ziploc, waiting to start decorating. The day never came, as I lost that bean too early. I did however take out one of the sock monkeys and slept with it ever since. It brought great comfort. The connection was just like that of a little kid with their blanket, pacifier or stuffed bear. I never felt silly for sleeping with it and always had to have it near by. After this loss, Matt was lying with me in bed and said "You know what helped you through the first loss was "baby bean" (we named the sock monkey this) and you have 3 more beans in the room to pick another one from". He brought me the bag and I picked out the red sock monkey. Now, I have baby bean and August bean sleeping with me. As much as I love the sock monkeys and find joy in their comfort, our bed isn't big enough for many more "beans"! But, I do love them, and they mean so much to me. They "fall asleep" with me every night. I don't care how silly that sounds, it works. And I am all for anything that can help me sleep through the night, and anything that can make my heart feel closer to the two children I will not meet for awhile.

Today I had another Dr appt. My Hcg level went from over 27k last week to a mere 101 this week. This is good. (TMI WARNING) This means that everything associated with the pregnancy/baby, exited my body and nothing was left over. I still need to do another level test, because the Dr's want to see it between 0-5. Last pregnancy that Dr told me that I was not immune to Rubella and I would need a booster. When I saw my primary Dr before this pregnancy, she got an approval for the booster, but I ended up getting pregnant that month so had to wait on the shot. Today I asked the Dr for the booster and he pulled my labs and said I WAS immune to rubella. My level was 16, and anything about 9 is immune. Go figure? But, whatever.. I am all for not getting poked with anymore yucky needles! He also referred me to an endocrinologist in hopes of finding out some kind of answers. This Dr deals with hormonal issues and blood sugar stuff, which apparently, is right up my alley! My OB Dr was also worried about the fact that my mom had an incompetent cervix for 3 of her pregnancies and had to be stitched and on bed rest every time. He told me that next time I need to be in with an OB/GYN specialist BEFORE I get pregnant.

Matt and I decided that we won't try again until we have some kind of answer, and if we don't get on of those, then until I lose more weight, and our Dr gives us the "ok". This will probably be hard for me, but I know it's what's best. I would like to wait to try again until at least next Jan/Feb. This will give me 5-6 months of healing/healthy time. I know I am terrified to try again, but I also know that in my heart, a baby is what I want. It's all I have ever wanted. But, I will relax and Pray and let God guide us this time.

Thank you again to everyone who sent messages, texts, phone calls and everything else. I feel truly loved. Most importantly to my mom, and my husband. My mom paid our bills, made us dinner and bought the things we needed. She even paid me for every week of work that I missed. She sent us out of town for 2 nights to get away from the "trauma" of our home. She paid for everything on our trip and didn't ask for a dime in return. She had the best and most comforting words that anyone has ever told me. My husband... Where/how did I get so lucky to have found a man like him. The man who saw every gory thing during my 2 miscarriages. Who sat and rubbed my back through every pain/contraction and tear. Told me the things that I wanted/needed to hear. Never left my side. How can I repay both of these amazing people? How can words ever be enough for my gratefulness? I thank God for these people every day!