Monday, August 23, 2010
Yesterday was an awful day... I had my first complete and total meltdown. I feel like I cannot cope with life and moving forward. I want to just stay in today and not move forward. Moving forward means moving on with life, and without my little bean. I want so bad for my bean to be back inside of me, growing and moving. I know I cannot get it back, and that even wishing it is pointless, but I cannot help it. This time around is so much harder than the first time. How do you pick yourself up and move on? I feel guilty for moving forward. Life really is not fair. At all. How do you even say that you want to "try again". Trying again means risking it all again. Creating a life, and risking the chance of it ending too soon. Life is so fragile, so insecure. Matt worked so hard when we first met to help me rid myself of all of my anxiety and insecurities. In one day, it was like nothing changed. I cannot be alone without him, or without him near me touching me. He has done everything to keep me somewhat calm, and relaxed, but on a dime - my emotions change. My bleeding has finally started to slow down, but my breasts won't stop leaking. The milk that was meant to be for my child. In a little over a week, my first child's due date will arrive (Sept. 4th) and I'm sure it will be a day of sadness. I just keep thinking that my Strength will return, but every morning when I wake up, I slowly remember that hell that has been the last week. I find myself rubbing my belly, just to remember that there is nothing inside anymore. I have to relive everything that happened, every time I wake up. I used to be able to sleep so easily and quickly, now it's hard because I know that when I wake up, I have to remember everything. Hopefully, one day soon I will be able to wake up and have a full day without feeling so guilty and sorry for myself...
Posted by Emily at 10:54 AM