Baby bean...

Last night when I went to bed, I could have sworn I was having some light contractions. Not wanting to believe it, I went to sleep.

Around 3AM this morning I woke up to contractions spaced about 5 minutes apart, and really intense. I just laid in bed and cried, trying not to wake up Matt, thinking of something all too familiar... Losing a baby.

Matt eventually woke up and took me over to the ER at Pomona Valley, where they brought me in right away and sent me to U/S, where they found our little bean, moving, and heart beating away. However, sadly, my cervix was dilated and the baby was fully engaged. I could not pull myself to have a D&C, knowing that my little one was still alive.

We met with the hospital OB specialist and some other Dr.'s who called it an 'inevitable, spontaneous miscarriage'. For some reason, my body decided to go into extremely early labor.

My heart is breaking, again. For the 2nd time in 6 months, I will be losing the baby that I wanted so bad. Tomorrow, I was to be 13 weeks, entering the wonderful 2nd trimester.. My world feels so unimportant now, and honestly I am still in complete shock.

The hardest part is that the contractions have slowed way down, meaning this whole ordeal will take its sweet time, probably because the baby is still alive. Knowing my little bean is swimming around and healthy, makes this the hardest thing I have ever gone through. My body and mind are numb. I refused the hard medicines like dilaudid and morphine, and can only bring myself to take tylenol.

I'm not even sure how I attempted/wrote this blog because my mind is in such an emotional downward spiral, and I am trying to find a way to swim out. :(

I ask for your prayers today for the little bean, and for myself and family. The biggest thing we need is Strength.

Thank you all in advance for your kind words, I love you all.