Friday, September 24, 2010

Las Vegas

In one of my previous posts I quickly wrote about how Matt and I were "sent" out of town after the miscarriage to get away. This weekend I am returning back to Vegas, and instead of it being the normal excitement, I am kind of scared and emotional.

Most people wouldn't just leave town 24 hours after having a natural miscarriage. If you have ever been through one, it hurts, and it hurts for awhile. After the miscarriage, Matt and I came home and slept nearly all day (since we were in the hospital nearly all night). We woke up and had dinner, and then went back to bed. The next morning my mom texted me and told me that she wanted to pay for us to get out of town for 2 nights. We were a little bit skeptical at first, but then decided it would be good to actually get away.

It did help. It kept our spirits a little bit higher than normal, and kept us busy. I was able to kind of just "escape". However, I was in pretty bad pain the entire time. I was also bleeding pretty heavily too. If we would have stayed home it would have been really hard just sitting around all day. So, getting away was great, but also sad. The night before we came home I actually cried for hours in our hotel room begging Matt to let us stay in Vegas forever. No, not for the buffets, but because I didn't want to return to our home, our life. Nobody knew what I was going through in Nevada. I could just be someone new for 2 days. Obviously, we couldn't stay in Las Vegas forever, and came home. I cried off and on all the way home... I wasn't ready to be answering questions, emails and texts about how I was feeling. I honestly, felt like shit.
Its been almost 6 weeks since we lost Jakob, but talking and thinking about certain things that have happened since then make it seem like it happened just yesterday. For awhile, it was like a dream, or a big blur. Hospitals, seeing our son lying in front of us, morphine, crying, sobbing, yelling, ultrasounds, blood tests. I am so Grateful to God for giving me those 13 short weeks with my son. I know someday I will get to hold him forever.
So, in a couple days I will go back to the hotel where I cried from pain, both physically and mentally. It might sound funny, but it kind of makes me feel like I am going to be closer to Jakob there.
No updates to give on my medical side yet. I see the nutritionist next week, the dentist the following week (UGH!) and then I see the endo Dr again a few weeks after that. I hope she can give us some answers.