Wednesday, November 10, 2010

"done" with "this"

As I enter my 8th month of marriage to Matt, I am now seeing friends get divorced from 5+ year marriages. Sometimes it feels odd seeing or hearing my friends say they are getting a divorce, at only 30. Not odd in a bad way, but just in a way that says "Yeah, you're THAT old, its going to happen more and more now"... Occasionally I wonder what my friends who are divorcing are going through.

Are they sad? Are they happy? Do they think they were married too young? What are the circumstances surrounding their troubles and ultimately, their divorce.

What can I do to make sure that I don't be apart of the growing statistic of divorce? Just praying about it won't help in this case. Marriages need every possible resource and line of communication opened in order to sustain.

I once saw an article about a marriage counselor who was talking to a female who was about to become married. She had asked him what he does for a career, and he said that he talks with married couples who need help working on their marriage. The girl said, in a very naive way "Don't you just need love?" I laughed. Because when I first met Matt, I thought the same way. All we need is love, and everything else will step into place. This is SO wrong, in so many ways.

As I sit and watch my husband of not even a year go through SO many health problems, I can't honestly say that it hasn't been hard. We have had big fights and big disagreements. How can anyone survive off of the disability check of a 37 year old? How can a 37 year old even HAVE so many health problems and be walking the ground..? How can I be so selfish to make him father another child? How could I make him do anything?

I have said (during a heated moment) that I was "done" and that I couldn't do "this" anymore. But what exactly is "this" and why would I just be "done" with it? What if I had survived cancer two times? What if I had to be on blood thinners for the rest of my life? What if I had only 1 working lung? Would I want my husband to leave me because he became overwhelmed? Would it be fair for him to just be "done" with me because I was too weak and fragile to work?

Everyone has their own dilemmas in a marriage. EVERYONE. I don't think that one person on this planet could say that their relationship/marriage has not had at least 10 hiccups (more like tornado s!) along the way. Its nature. It happens. Never are 2 people the same in every way. People disagree, and people argue... But where do you draw the line? When is it acceptable to just be "done"?

In my own opinion... If one side has "checked out" and you have tried EVERYTHING possible to fix things, then it would in most cases be okay to be "done". If you married someone because you were pregnant, then it would be okay to be "done". If your husband or wife were having an affair, then absolutely, okay to be "done". Domestic violence - YES. "Done".

The above is ONLY my opinion. Again, every situation is unique.

"Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh." Genesis 2:24

When do you think its not okay to just be "done"?