Saturday, November 20, 2010

Red light.... Green light!

So, in about 2 weeks I go back to see the Endocrinologist doctor. She holds the key. She holds the freedom. I have had 3 sets of blood work since I have seen her last (in September), and have 1 more lab appointment before I see her again. I also have to follow up on Dec 15th with a redo of a blood test that was elevated. December will be our month of final answers.. Go-aheads, or Red Lights.

And I am terrified. Not from hearing from the doctors that I shouldn't try again. Honestly, if they told me not to try again, or the odds don't look good, then I will be fine. At least I say that now. I probably wouldn't be. BUT, what terrifies me right now is when they say "go ahead"... Green Light. I cannot go through "that" again. I just can't. The screaming. The crying. The exhaustion. The despression. The anxiety. The bleeding. The Hospitals/Emergency Rooms. The pain, both physically and mentally. The ambulance and 911 calls. The losing another child. I have a HUGE hurdle. I want SO badly to hold my child in my arms, alive and pink and chubby and.. breathing. The problem with trying again, is that I risk HAVING to do "it" again. I have to prepare for all of the "The" listed above.

I told Matt the other day that if the net pregnancy doesn't "work" then I will be done forever. I Pray to God daily to give me strength. Strength for what? Not sure. Just strength. I guess to actually try again. When you try for a baby, its usually fun. This time it won't be. It will be scary. Seeing those 2 lines will be terrifying. But I will do it. I will be brave and I will try to make that little baby who keeps trying to be with us, but doesn't make it.

So will you pray with me for Strength? I need it. In a couple of weeks our world will change. We will either be done trying, or we will be trying again... Until then I will be praying and I will be waiting.

So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. Isaiah 41:10