Thursday, November 25, 2010

I remember....

So, today I realized that it wasn't only Thanksgiving. 9 months ago, to the day - I lost my first Baby Bean. The memories of that night are still like a movie playing in my mind. That entire week. As we prepared for our wedding, knowing that our baby was no longer alive inside of me. I sat and wrote out our invitations, all the while hoping, praying, dealing with God that the little Bean inside of me would actually be alive. I remember the first u/s and the baby measuring a week behind. I remember how little I knew about u/s monitors and how I should have been seeing a flutter, movement. I remember being told that our baby had died. I remember being 9 weeks and 6 days that day. I remember going for a 2nd ultrasound, "just to make sure" and then coming home and sitting on the living room floor and writing addresses on our invites. I remember Matt going into the bedroom to call the Dr. to hear about the ultrasound. I remember him saying "Are you sure?"...... By the time Matt got to me in the living room I was in a ball on the floor. He picked me up and held me for a very long time. I remember that same night, the miscarriage (bleeding) started, but didn't actually miscarry until about a week later. I remember burying our baby in the ground. I remember how awful I felt, but how optimistic I felt too. I thought that it was just the random "one time" deal.

I remember marrying the most amazing, loving and handsome man ever. I remember Matt crying during our vows. I remember all of the love we received from our family and friend that day. I remember leaving for our 5 nights in Las Vegas and having the most AMAZING time.

I remember coming home and I remember being so eager to try again. I had lost about 15 lbs and I thought I would breeze through the next pregnancy....

I remember knowing the exact day we conceived, and just knowing that we would be getting a positive pregnancy test. I felt SO ready. I felt SO happy. And of course, two weeks later I got my big fat positive. I remember how much I loved our new Bean. I remember Matt not wanting to get attached. I remember how sick I was for weeks. I would do it again for 9 months if I had to.

I remember making it to our 8 week Dr appointment. I remember waking up to shower that morning and finding blood. I remember my meltdown. I remember going in to see our new Dr. and then going to our ultrasound. I remember seeing our little Jakob bouncing all over the screen! He measured right on target. I remember them telling me that I had Placenta Previa and I remember talking to Matt about it and saying, whatever we had to do we would for this baby. I remember going back a week later and getting another u/s because I was still bleeding. I remember seeing my little man jumping around everywhere. I remember the instant love I felt. The tech told me "look at your baby... Your baby is so active, and is measuring perfect". I remember sobbing. I knew that the tech's couldn't tell me much, but she must have seen my fear. I remember her giving me a picture of Jakob, our one and only face shot of our baby. I remember walking out to the waiting room and gleaming at Matt. I said "Our baby is OK!!!" - " He has a HEARTBEAT!!!"

I remember the day I turned 13 weeks I was getting ready for bed and I thought I was feeling contractions, and I said to Matt "I swear I am having contractions".... I will always feel guilt for crawling into bed that night. It's not like I know if they would have, or could have done anything because I was too "early", but, I will always feel guilty for at least not going down to be checked. I remember waking up that same night, at 3AM and having contractions every 5 minutes. I remember just lying there sobbing. I didn't even wake Matt. Eventually he woke, and we headed down to the ER where we heard our fate. That was on August 17th, the day after Matt's birthday. I went for another u/s and heard our babies heartbeat for the last time. 153 beats per minute. The report for that u/s said "Dilated internal cervical os with bulging membranes and engagement of the fetal head. LIVE intrauterine pregnancy with fetal heart rate of 153 BPM". "Dilated measuring 3.8cm". I remember the ER Dr. asking me if I wanted to "keep every chance of this pregnancy".... Which meant "Do you want a D&C?"... I told him I wasn't going to do anything because my baby had a heartbeat. They told me I could stay and be admitted, but I went home. I slept almost the entire day, with contractions slowing. Even though Jakob was engaged and I was dilated, and ultimately losing him, I still had hope. Around 9pm that same day my water broke. Then the contractions started coming faster and harder. The rest is pretty much a blur. 911, amazing La Verne Paramedics coming into the bathroom. Riding to the ER. Being told that the baby had passed already and was "hanging" from me. I remember seeing him. I remember how perfect he looked, and so at peace. He may have only been 13 weeks, but he looked like a baby. He was 7.7 cm from crown to rump. Which is almost 3 inches, but then his legs were probably another 2 or so. He was beautiful.

I remember getting morphine for the first time in my life. I remember being loopy and calm. I remember how much blood there was. I remember how low my blood pressure was. I remember being discharged and looking at Jakob one more time. Why didn't I have my camera?? My camera is now, always in my purse.

I remember coming home and sleeping. For a long time. I remember being angry at Matt and then sobbing. Long and loud cries. I literally cried my heart out.

I remember our Las Vegas trip and how much bleeding and crying were involved. I remember not wanting to come home. I remember thinking "How the hell did I think it would make it better to come to Vegas?!"...

I remember receiving the pathology report for Jakob. No gross external morphologic abnormalities are identified. Macerated male fetus. Negative for developmental anomalies. Consistent with gestational age of 13 weeks. The thoracic and abdominal cavities are examined revealing no obvious abnormalities of organogenesis. The extremities are normally formed...... I remember wanting the Dr to stop reading to me. I remember wishing Matt was with me at this appt. I remember wanting the pathology report in my hand so I could go home and read it. I remember getting in the car and Beyonce's Halo was on. I remember sobbing all the way home, saying "I have a son".

I remember the many Dr appts to follow with specialists, endo Docs, OB/GYN specialists, my primary. Lots and LOTS of fasting bloodwork. I remember getting diagnosis after diagnosis.

I remember my extreme anxiety and panic attacks that were developed after Jakob Bean.

I remember my reconnection with Christ. I remember finding the bible verse at the very top of this blog and realizing I was meant to read it.

I remember waking this morning and realizing that today was our first babies 9 month birthday. I remember this morning thinking we should have had our almost 3 month old on our lap. I remember thinking, well if not a baby, then I should have been nearly 27 weeks pregnant now and eating tons of Thanksgiving food! Showing family my growing belly. Letting people feel our son kicking....

And it will be around Thanksgiving every year. And, it will be Christmas eve. And Jakob's yearly birthday's will be 1 day after his dads.

I remember. I wish I couldn't sometimes, but then I wouldn't know what I do today. I wouldn't feel the Lord's hand in mine. I wouldn't feel the love I have now.

It's amazing that 9 and 3 months later, those 2 pregnancy losses are so fresh and so vivid. The memories. Memories I wouldn't give for anything.

And I will make every effort to see that after my departure you will always be able to remember these things. - 2 Peter 1:15

I thank my God every time I remember you. - Philippians 1:3

Down the road the sun is shining...
In every cloud there's a silver lining.
Just keep holding on...
And every heartache makes you stronger, it won't be much longer..
You'll find love,
You'll find peace
And the you your meant to be..
I know right now that's not the way you feel,
But one day you will...
Find the strength to rise above,
You will...
Find just what your made of, your made of.
- Lady Antebellum